The Long Boat

When his boat snapped loose

from its mooring, under

the creaking gulls,

he tried at first to wave 

to his dear ones on shore,

but in the rolling fog

they had already lost their faces.

Too tired even to choose

between jumping and calling,

somehow he felt absolved and free

of his burdens, those mottoes

stamped on his name-tag:

conscience, ambition, and all

that caring.

He was content to lie down

with the family ghosts

in the slop of his cradle,

buffeted by the storm,

endlessly drifting.

Peace! peace!

To be rocked by the infinite!

As if it didn't matter

which way was home;

as if he didn't know

he loved the earth so much

he wanted to stay forever.

Stanley Kunitz

Defeat

"It's just a matter of doing what you want to do : not one man in a thousand is doing what he wants to do. My defeat will be my victory."

Hank Chinaski

Don't Try

“If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.” 

Hank Chinaski

The Arrow of Time

"Time flies faster than an arrow; life is more transient than the dew. No matter how skillful you may be, it is impossible to bring back even a single day of the past. To have lived to be a hundred years old to no purpose is to eat the bitter fruit of time, to become a pitiable bag of bones. Even though you have allowed yourself to be a slave to your senses for a hundred years, if you give yourself over to Buddhist training for even one day, you will gain a hundred years of life in this world as well as in the next."
Dogen

Delta Blues

"It's mostly like I was when I started, just for somebody to show me. I didn't have nobody to show me. I bought an old guitar from another guy for $1.50. Old piece of guitar. But I didn't know the difference too much. I just knowed it was supposed to be a guitar. And I got this boy Willie Wilson to tune it up for me. And so that's the way I started myself. None of them showed me nothing but I just got the sound in my head and I'd just hit on round on it till I found the sound I just like myself."
Son House

"This time I wisely shied away from organized music theory. Sounds from my head found their way to the guitar. I concentrated on playing and not learning about sharps, flats, time signatures, key changes, and chord structures. I didn't want to be cramped by words."
Stefan Grossman

Triumph

"The birth of a man is the birth of his sorrow. The longer he lives, the more stupid he becomes, because his anxiety to avoid unavoidable death becomes more and more acute. What bitterness! He lives for what is always out of reach! His thirst for survival in the future makes him incapable of living in the present."
Chuang Tzu

The Way Home III

"The teachings reveal to us the possibility of an astounding and finally boundless freedom, which is ours to work for now, in life - the freedom that will enable us to choose our death and so to choose our birth. For someone who has prepared and practiced, death comes not as a defeat but as a triumph, the crowning and most glorious moment of life."
Sogyal Rinpoche

The Way Home IV

Chanting the Way - Dedication and Discipline, Round 2

"The thought of this completely thrilled him. It was like discovering a cancer cure. No more explanations of what art is. No more wonderful critical schools of experts to determine rationally where each composer had succeeded or failed. All of them, every last one of those know-it-alls, would finally have to shut up. This was no longer just an interesting idea. This was a dream."
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

The Way Home II

I believe now is the time to return to my meditation studies, so I have been practicing in my studio, at the Garfield Street Zendo, and today, at the 40th Street Buddhist Institute. 

I stopped in at the Zendo for Sunday meditation, which is at the late hour of 9:30am. 

At 1:00pm I began my walk to the Institute and when I arrived I was greeted by a practitioner.  He explained what they would be doing from 2:00pm-4:00pm. The Institute is home to Tibetan Buddhism, which involves chanting, and the practitioner explained I was not required to chant. 

I took my seat inside the hall, along with seven others, and was given two prayer books. The time passed quickly, and I enjoyed the small amount of chanting I did. 

When the service ended I was asked to stay for a drink and meal. I took my seat and listened to the group discuss various topics. 

A bottle of wine was served and I found it curious that the group could flow into conversation immediately following the two hour meditation. 

I hope to attend the 5:00am meditation tomorrow at the Zendo.

Reflected

The Way Home

I am settling into my new life in Eugene. 

I have goals which keep me busy morning, noon, and night. 

I meditate at the Eugene Zendo. Wednesday I woke at 4:30am and walked a mile to the Zendo for 5:00am zazen. 

In the afternoon I was fatigued and fell asleep in a chair while reading. 

I skipped Thursday's zazen but awoke today at 4:15am and meditated ninety minutes. The session ends at 6:30am, sunrise, so the walk home can be enchanting. I brought my camera and made a few pictures. The morning was cold and my feet went numb. 

When I returned home I took a hot shower and ate a breakfast of sushi, yogurt, and tea. 

I have been spending my afternoons walking, running, and exercising. This week my energy has been low.

In the evenings I read and play guitar. 

The Absurdity of Walking Alone

"The truth cannot be contained by any word whatsoever. The truth can only be experienced. The truth can be lived, but there is no way to say it".  Osho

Stepping outside the door, I find a gift at my feet

My first day in the studio elicits emotions of excitement, wonder, and nostalgia for Chiang Mai, Urbana, and Chicago.  

I am still without a key because the hardware clerk cut it wrong, so I live as if in Portland, leaving the door unlocked and wrapping positive thoughts upon the house. 

On the walk to the hardware store I used a bucolic route which leads to Woodfield Plaza (Market of Choice/Sunrise Asian Grocery).

Lawrence Alley 

I am solitary again. Having stepped onto the ledge of otherness, it is a relief to return to the quiet safety of self.

Flowing into Dreams

I recently looked at an apartment which I did not have much hope for.  The house is on 23rd, which is two miles west of where I am currently living (also on 23rd). 

When arriving I was uncertain which house I was looking for, and was surprised to discover how beautiful it is. When I entered the studio I experienced positive feelings and knew I could be happy living in it.  

I completed an application, and within a few days was informed I had been approved to sign a lease. 

I move in this Monday, Oct, 1, 2012. 

I stopped there today to move things into the studio. Later in the day I realized I had lost the key to the studio due to a hole in my pocket. 

Zen, Motorcycles, Guitars

"I feel happy to be here, and still a little sad to be here too. Sometimes it's a little better to travel than to arrive."

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

I am having difficulties finding an apartment. I hope to rent a furnished unit, which will allow for easy migration if I have a desire to travel.  I am open to renting a room, but with just one housemate, as my experience in Portland (renting a room from Morgan) shows I can adapt. 

* * * * * * * * *

Yesterday I ran the Amazon Trail to Spencer Mountain. I loped along the flats and then plodded the switchbacks, looking forward to lunching on the summit.

On the way down I passed five hikers at a crossroads and took a wrong turn, which brought me to Willamette Road.  I ran the shoulder and passed Welcome to Eugene pop. 157,00. 

* * * * * * * * *

I bought Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance two weeks ago at Tsunami Books. I first heard of it during my first year at NIU, in 1987.  I was night walking with a guy I met at the philosophy club and he recommended the book. I took a copy from the library but did not read it (I read no literature during my time at NIU). 

Today as I lounged in the backyard, bathed in the blue afternoon shade of an ornamental tree, I began to read chapter 10 :

"Phaedrus didn't understand this, but after arriving in Seattle, and his discharge from the army, he sat in his hotel room for two whole weeks, eating enormous Washington apples, and thinking, and eating more apples, and thinking some more, and then as a result of all these fragments, and thinking, returned to the University to study philosophy."

* * * * * * * * *

I blew the amp out the first time I plugged in upon returning from Portland. I placed a want ad and a typical Eugene character rides his bike forty minutes to the house, carrying the amp under his arm. The "chan vol" knob is missing and one of the FX knobs is broken, even so I bought it for $65. 

I have been working with the guitar for almost three years.  

Decision : Eugene

"There's no record of his having had close friends. He traveled alone. Always. Even in the presence of others he was completely alone. People sometimes felt this and felt rejected by it, and so did not like him, but their dislike was not important to him."

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

Yesterday was a running day, but the arrival of a decisive moment was at hand, and my psychic energy was doing all it could to put off the run. As I loped along during the warm up I could feel my weakened athletic energy being replaced by the desire to walk and ponder. It was time to decide where to put down roots. While not terribly complex, there were a number of important points which had to be thoroughly observed, and not doing so, or just glancing at them superficially, could lead to a misguided choice. Not wanting to run long, I decided on intervals. I circled the grass soccer fields at the middle school, stopping after only 5 or 6 minutes. I felt I should do more, even though desire was lacking, so I jogged to the Amazon Park wood chip trail and was determined to run circuits around the 1000m loop. The first interval I stopped at 800m. I drank water and then began the 2nd one, this time stopping at 500m. So ended my woeful day of running.

I knew it was a weak effort, but the real work was now to begin. How does one go about making a decision which is known with certainty to be life altering? How many of these decisions does one make in a lifetime? As I walked the wood chip trail I thought of the big decisions in my life, and they were few, all of them clutched in the palm of my hand - dropping out of the computer science program at college and changing to history and philosophy; pursuing photography for 10 years starting at the age of 25; accepting my first "respectable job" at 35. As I thought of these 3 decisions I recalled that I had made each one while walking in solitude, allowing the thoughts to flow calmly, observing closely all known facts, and then... the heart speaks, the body fills with an electric energy, the choice seen clearly as colored sunlight resting on the petals of a flower. So I began walking the Rexius Trail, relieved to find it empty of people. The sun was bright and warm, I sauntered along, searching the facts, turning them this way and that. When the walk was complete I knew what I had to do - remain in Eugene, if possible, to begin a new life in this place which feels more like home than any place I have wandered through.

To remain in Eugene. I did not imagine, back in January, 2012, when I left everything to wander through SE Asia, that the free ride of my spirit would end here, in Eugene. There are still practical things to accomplish, the first one being to find a place to live. I am currently renting a room, but I have learned that living with one person (I am currently living with two) is as far as I can go before I start to feel closed in and unhappy, so most of my energy in the coming days will be spent on finding a place to call home. I can imagine how happy I will be to have a place of my own, living in Eugene, with unlimited time - no one to see, nowhere to be - is there anything better in life?

Portland Peculiarium

My final days in Portland - Running 3 1/4 hours on the Wildwood Trail in Forest Park; wandering the streets of NW Portland, camera in hand; observing hipsters, hipster stores, hipster bus drivers; practicing the pentatonic on the ukelele?!; watching the swifts darken the dusk sky as they descend into the chimney at Chapman School, a full moon rising.

Back in Eugene, I am trying to adapt to a household of four - KC, her son, his friend, and myself. I found myself settling into strong mindful states while in Portland, due to practicing everyday in Morgan's meditation hall. I believe the only way an introvert like myself can remain happy in a crowded house is to go deeper into meditation so that I can clearly see when my mind is turning negative and paranoid, which it tends to do when it feels cramped and stifled. I have learned that I need a feeling of spaciousness and freedom in order to remain healthy - the test is to experience this when the external circumstances are anything but.

Watermelon Seeds

Tomorrow I am moving to the NW side of Portland, staying with a friend of KC's for a few days. On the 1st KC will be passing through and she will give me a ride back to Eugene - the adventure rolls on....

#6 SW

The past 4 days I have hiked/run the #6 SW. I pick it up a few blocks from the house and it leads me through various neighborhoods before ending downtown. The portion I hike is 8-10 miles in length, lots of hills and beauty, it is dream-like in its weirdness -