Preparation, Contemplation, Simplification

With my marriage soon coming to an end I have been preparing for a new life - different home, living alone, thinking of myself as not being intimately connected to a person.

Emotionally I have been doing better than expected and I thank my daily meditation practice for that. My mind has also been lucid and calm, maybe because I know that I will be staying in contact with Rachel. Rachel and I plan to see each other once I leave and I will be pet sitting when she takes her trip to Puerto Rico in March.

Severing a 15 year marriage and moving forward is not easy because of the vivid and long memories which sometimes surface in my mind. But thinking of the future there is the freedom of living alone, control of finances, and the sheer solitude which can bring creative desire.

I am spending 60-90 minutes a day packing things for moving or storage. I am going to attempt to simplify my life - I will bring a few books, 2 boxes of pictures, a few framed photographs, 3 guitars and an amp, some furniture. I was planning to not own a computer but Rachel said she will pay for half, so I may buy a laptop and use the free wifi around town when I need to use the internet. I will do without a land phone, no television/cable, and will try to get by without a cell phone. I have never owned a cell phone and wonder what it is like to not have any phone whatsoever. My family won't like the idea and maybe there are things which make owning one a necessity, but I can't think of any at the moment.

Crisis

A couple of days ago I found out that my life's direction would be significantly altered. I am still in a state of confusion and shock. Fortunately my spiritual quest is focused on the quality and strength of my mind - I am going to need a calm, clear, attentive mind to survive the next few months.

This blog is not a place to share the details of what I am going through, but I will say that everything I know and love will soon be gone. It is the ultimate test of my faith and spiritual practice. The reason I constantly think about loss and pain is because when it finally arrives I can be somewhat prepared to experience it with equanimity and detachment. I am only one living being in a world filled with a billion living beings. My struggles are small and invisible but I still have to confront and work through them.

I am unsure how much I will be writing about guitar. I still hope to practice everyday but there are many other things which I will soon be doing out of necessity. It may take a year or more before I feel settled and comfortable with life again, and I will strive to retain a meditative mind throughout the process.

The past 15 years of my life have been blessed with good fortune and happiness. It has now come to an end.

Sunburnt Whales

I can't recall a stranger November. I was getting into cold weather mode, enjoying long sleeved shirts and faded jeans, scarf wrapped around my neck, but the string of days this week have been sunny with temps in the 70's.

Rachel and I went to Kickapoo this afternoon and I ran the bike trail loop which I discovered on my 7 hour long run this summer. Rachel hiked and expected me to meet her in 1 hour and 45 minutes. I calculated that I could make that time since I estimated the total distance to be 10 miles. When I showed up 2 hours and 25 minutes later, Rachel none too happy, I guessed that the loop was 12 tough miles of twisting hills.

Last week I decided to purchase a blues instructional course made by Jamie Andreas. I have been practicing the exercises in her Guitar Principles book and I decided I was ready to move forward. During the month of October my progress had been faster than anticipated, so my music confidence is higher than normal. I believe I have a shot at becoming a decent blues guitarist, but I still have my doubts. I sometimes wonder if my small hands will hinder me, but lately I have begun to think otherwise, what they lack for in size they make up for in quickness, agility, and strength.

I was willing to pay $60 for the course, and when I scraped together enough money I logged into the GP site and found that the price had been lowered that day to $35, a 3 day Halloween special - some days my timing is peculiarly lucky.

I began reading and practicing the course a few days ago and am happy with the writing style, clear organization of the material, attention to micro details, and the videos which illustrate the proper techniques. There are 6 blues solos to work on in the course and I have begun working on solo #1. I already have the notes memorized and am practicing the timing, bends, and vibrato.

My current focus is on proper vibrato and bending techniques. I find the correct vibrato wrist motion to be a bit puzzling, but with a lot of practice I am confident I will become good at it. Bending does not seem as difficult, but creating the proper sounds are elusive.

I am guessing that it will take 1 year to finish the course. At that time I am hoping to possess an average ability to play blues solos.

First Steps

Miko Sushi

The past week I experienced the ups and downs of cutting a new path. I was able to meditate each day before going to work, one of the mornings for only 5 minutes. But even 5 minutes of sitting sets a routine which the mind will eventually become addicted to - I simply need to break an old set of addictions and forge new ones.

It seems simple enough, but some addictions are so strong that dismantling a home which has been lived in for a decade would be preferable to changing the habits and patterns of the mind. The startling thing about human nature, though, is its ability to shape reality - with enough effort and belief doors, hitherto unknown, begin to appear, keys eventually stumbled upon, and a threshold into a new world crossed.

I also meditated in the afternoons and evenings. Walking around town I attempt to remain mindful of my breath and this has slowed down my striding pace, which has led to seeing things which I normally would pass by.

Thus far my mind has been filled with too many useless thoughts and desires, so progress has been slow. My expectations need to be shortened - instead of a lengthy chain of calm moments, a single breath movement where the mind is at ease can be considered improvement.

Yesterday while meditating I experienced the first insight of my quest. In an attempt to strengthen my compassion for all living things I imagined taking the suffering from my sister (she is currently undergoing cancer treatment) and breathing it into my heart, where it would then dissolve. I of course do not believe that the actual suffering will be alleviated, but the exercise will hopefully accustom my mind to feeling the suffering of others. As I breathed in, imagining the suffering filling my lungs, my upper body shuddered with an odd sensation of warm illumination. The feeling soon faded and I imagined my dog's suffering (she is losing the function of her back legs), breathing it into my lungs. I again felt my body filling with light and warmth and it too soon faded.

My mind, remembering these startling sensations, is now more determined to meditate. I must break the addictions of my past life link by link, replacing them with more positive stimulants.