Drum and Bass

Evening Walk I

Last Tuesday I went to therapy session IV and afterward rode my bicycle home, got my guitar and a 6 pack, and walked to Joseph's house. When I arrived I saw Joseph and Mike unloading gear and we walked into the house together and down the stairs to the music space, a small room with a drum set, amps, and guitars. Joseph and Mike talked for a few minutes and I stood around, and then Joseph said, "well, James, are you ready?" I took my guitar out of its case, plugged in, and stood awkwardly, unsure how to start.

Mike, being an experienced musician, suggested jamming freestyle to House of the Rising Sun. Well, I know the chords to that song so I started strumming out the notes and Mike played lead as Joseph found the beat on his drums. After a few minutes we stopped, drank beer, and then began improvising with power chords.

I was starting to feel somewhat comfortable, but then I got it in my head to try playing the bass guitar which leaned against the wall. Mike encouraged me to do so and within a few minutes I was creating bass notes in line with Joseph's drum rhythm. My mind focused intently on the music being created, and with Mike playing lead the music began flowing with a creative ease. After an hour of bass Mike wanted me to try playing his high quality guitar, so we switched and I did alright, playing some blues riffs and improvising with other styles.

After 2 hours we stopped and I packed up and walked home. I found the experience to be inspiring and illuminating. Making music with others is not as hard as I thought it would be. I also realize I have a natural sense of rhythm - even though I can't count music in my head I have a sense of time which fits with what is being played. It is similar to how I process language because I don't know the mechanics of language, such as nouns/verbs/adverbs, but simply follow a sense of innate timing which chooses the flow of the words.

This week I have been practicing harder than ever, inspired to improve in all aspects of my play so that I can better express myself the next time I jam with a group. I surprised myself by doing better than expected at Joseph's, but I have a strong desire to play the music which I know is inside of me, and this will require a tremendous amount of work/practice before it is allowed to surface - Rock on!

Crossroads

Walking Home from Therapy I

Therapy session III last Tuesday went well and was productive. Like session I was stuck in the breakroom, however, my therapist knowing I don't like bright neon light brought in a table lamp which created a warm glow. Content, I was able to find a groove and rambled for an hour.

Joseph and I are planning to get together soon to jam guitar and drums. He called yesterday and left a message asking about Tuesday, 8:00pm at his house. Unfortunately my therapy session is set for 6:30, and it takes 90 minutes to walk home, so we most likely will have to wait until he gets back from Ireland. I am somewhat nervous about getting together with him, not only because of my minimal guitar skills, but I have lost all confidence in whatever social abilities I have. Redefining who I am relative to Aspergers, I no longer am willing to jump into scenarios of friendship. Most people I come across don't feel comfortable around me, and I don't understand why my mind tends to shut down in group settings.

I have not worked on my landscape drawing since the last post. In the evenings my mind has been focusing on existential topics related to my therapy, so most of my energy goes to writing private journal entries.

After a winter of little running and lots of rest, I injured my right hip without doing anything. I got up from a computer session last week at the Square and found myself limping home. I have gotten a little better since then, and walked 9 miles yesterday, but with the warm days coming I hope to be able to run when I want.

A few days ago Rachel and I were hanging out and I told her I was spending time contemplating my future. Within the next 5-15 months I may leave Illinois and start anew somewhere else. Not getting Leona's job means I have no long term commitment to the park district. The main idea is to move west, preferably Oregon, and see what unfolds. Being someone with Aspergers and working low paying jobs all my life means I will have trouble finding employment, but I won't let that worry me, as I always seem to find a way to land on my feet.

Lurking in the back of my mind is the desire to practice Zen Buddhism full time somewhere. I believe there are a few places in the USA which offers this opportunity, but there may be better places to study in Asia, at a cheaper cost. If I have to pay monthly room and board it would be financially wiser to go to Southeast Asia. I would have to work at learning the local language, but seeing that I will have an abundance of time to study means it should not be that difficult to do.

When I mentioned this desire to study Buddhism to Rachel she said she had also been contemplating her future. She said that because she kicked me out of the house she feels obligated to try dating, but she doubted she would find someone who made her feel as happy as when she is with me. She said she would prefer if I did not leave Urbana, and that there was a possibility that when my lease was up at the end of June we could get back together.

I am not sure what to think of Rachel's suggestion. It took a lot of effort to start a new life on my own, and I do not know if it would be a good idea to go backwards instead of forwards. It is something to think about, and maybe I will mention this in therapy session IV.

Beautiful, Strange

Winter Walk III

Went to therapy session no. 2 today. The first session was held in the break room because all of the regular rooms were being used. I did not care for the bright lights and lay out of the room, but this week the session was held in a pleasant space with dusky light - perfect. Jessica, my therapist, seemed open and warm and this led to a discussion of things which I had not planned on navigating.

Jessica steered me into the territory of my recent split with Rachel. I can understand why she did this because it would appear to be more important than my dilemma with social parties. As the session sped along I couldn't help but recognize that how I talked with certain friends was similar to how I was opening up with Jessica. However, some of the topics brought up I most likely would not discuss with a friend.

While I have been neglecting to work on my current drawing, I have been practicing hard with the guitar, and a few days ago made another breakthrough. I have been working on the classical piece Asturias for the past 6-7 months, after 12 or 13 measures the fingering becomes more complex with a consistent wide stretch between the 1 and 4 finger. This stretch prevents me from playing the passage correctly due to the 4 finger not being strong enough to maintain proper pressure upon the fret. When I played the passage this week the 4 finger had finally become strong enough to hold the string in position - it is beautiful and strange to observe how the body and mind slowly adapt to the wishes of the will....

Drawing in Progress

Drawing in Progress

Restructuring

Winter Walk I

The past few days have reminded me of my existential struggles of 25 years ago. As the time of my first therapy session moved closer, my mind began sifting through the important moments of my inner life. Painful memories buried deep under the shadows of many seasons resurfaced as I tried to make sense of my experiences under the new light of autism. All of the odd behaviors and inclinations and rueful experiences began to settle into a new and clearer reality. As if I was a scientist searching for years through random sequences of numbers, trying to find some kind of order and logic, and finally, by chance, the numbers fall into place, a pattern emerging.

In a way the whole thing makes me sad, as I see that all along I was destined for loneliness and isolation. Eventually I realized there was no use trying to break through a brick wall, so I turned away and accepted my fate, which allowed me to live in peace. Along the way I met a few people who I felt comfortable with, and who accepted me. For this I am blessed and lucky, for it could have instead been years of solitude and silence.

When I arrived at the therapy session the doctor asked one question and that set me off on an hour long ramble of spoken thoughts. While I usually don't subject people to that kind of monologue, I have to admit it felt good as it is the only time that my words have any meaning. I thought of a couple of people I used to work with at the Nature Center and laughed to myself that I should have been paying them by the hour because they would let me ramble on about things and were kind enough not to fall asleep on me.

I am not sure what the doctor thinks of me or my problem, but I can see the value is not so much what I say during the session, but all that goes on before and after - it is back to trying to understand my mind and how it relates to the world and the things which inhabit it - picking through memories of events and emotions and faces and things gone bad or good.

I sense that having the knowledge that I was born different than most is going to alter the way I think and act in the future. I used to believe I was just like everyone else, but now I know better. I can see myself in the future being reluctant to speak with words, avoiding unnecessary contact with people I don't feel comfortable with. It is the way it should be - I was born with a poison, but also, luckily, the antidote - a mind which is never bored, and which sees and senses immense beauty in every passing moment.