Walking Home from Therapy I
Joseph and I are planning to get together soon to jam guitar and drums. He called yesterday and left a message asking about Tuesday, 8:00pm at his house. Unfortunately my therapy session is set for 6:30, and it takes 90 minutes to walk home, so we most likely will have to wait until he gets back from Ireland. I am somewhat nervous about getting together with him, not only because of my minimal guitar skills, but I have lost all confidence in whatever social abilities I have. Redefining who I am relative to Aspergers, I no longer am willing to jump into scenarios of friendship. Most people I come across don't feel comfortable around me, and I don't understand why my mind tends to shut down in group settings.
I have not worked on my landscape drawing since the last post. In the evenings my mind has been focusing on existential topics related to my therapy, so most of my energy goes to writing private journal entries.
After a winter of little running and lots of rest, I injured my right hip without doing anything. I got up from a computer session last week at the Square and found myself limping home. I have gotten a little better since then, and walked 9 miles yesterday, but with the warm days coming I hope to be able to run when I want.
A few days ago Rachel and I were hanging out and I told her I was spending time contemplating my future. Within the next 5-15 months I may leave Illinois and start anew somewhere else. Not getting Leona's job means I have no long term commitment to the park district. The main idea is to move west, preferably Oregon, and see what unfolds. Being someone with Aspergers and working low paying jobs all my life means I will have trouble finding employment, but I won't let that worry me, as I always seem to find a way to land on my feet.
Lurking in the back of my mind is the desire to practice Zen Buddhism full time somewhere. I believe there are a few places in the USA which offers this opportunity, but there may be better places to study in Asia, at a cheaper cost. If I have to pay monthly room and board it would be financially wiser to go to Southeast Asia. I would have to work at learning the local language, but seeing that I will have an abundance of time to study means it should not be that difficult to do.
When I mentioned this desire to study Buddhism to Rachel she said she had also been contemplating her future. She said that because she kicked me out of the house she feels obligated to try dating, but she doubted she would find someone who made her feel as happy as when she is with me. She said she would prefer if I did not leave Urbana, and that there was a possibility that when my lease was up at the end of June we could get back together.
I am not sure what to think of Rachel's suggestion. It took a lot of effort to start a new life on my own, and I do not know if it would be a good idea to go backwards instead of forwards. It is something to think about, and maybe I will mention this in therapy session IV.
