I am not too surprised by my indecisiveness because in the past I have had some lengthy waits before things became clear enough for me to choose a destination and plan of how to arrive there. I trust my intuition and inner compass, but sometimes my will has to be prodded if the circumstances are not dire. I enjoy routine and being intimate with a place, so it is difficult to slash the familiar and comfortable and replace it with the risk of the unknown. Perhaps if humans lived 200 years I wouldn't mind staying the course in Urbana for a while, but I don't have many years left, and so am constantly pondering what I would like to do.
Being in a transition phase of my life, I have been noticing that it is easy to forget all of the good things which I have accomplished in past years due to my being finished with them - enduring the hardships of manual labor in my teens and early 20's; learning to write from the heart while in college; finding my calling (photography), and making a solemn decision to work my ass off for 10 years to see what comes of it, and then extending the work until year 18; last year deciding to study guitar, with a focus being upon the learning process. On days when I am wandering around town, or lazing in bed observing the late afternoon sun paint the room in glowing yellows and pinks, I get the sense that I have done very little, but the memories of the past slowly sink into my vision and I breathe a little easier.
Today while at work I had an idea which may push my will into action concerning the style and content of my remaining days. I scribbled on a yellow post it - "set an expiration date to my life, as if I had been given the exact date of my final day on earth." Since I do not know the time and day that senor death will arrive upon the scene, I tend to forget that he is lurking out there somewhere, that his eventual arrival cannot be avoided, and this lapse of remembrance puts my sense of danger to sleep. By writing down a chosen date for senor death's arrival, I am hoping that my sense of ease will be shaken, thus inspiring my mind and will to become more courageous and imaginative. There are so many different ways to live, and having found one which is warm and comforting does not mean others just as meaningful and pleasant do not exist.
Later in the day I began thinking of Winston Churchill, and his six volume history of WWII. The sense of urgency and danger which the Germans heaped upon the English, while difficult and terrifying, allowed the English to experience "their finest hour". In the later stages of war, the American/British military knew the only way to defeat Germany was to invade the soil of Europe. Decisive action was needed, and to achieve this goal detailed planning went on for over a year. The study of maps, battle strategy and tactics, the organization of men and material, was necessary in order for the invasion to take place. Inspiration alone would not lead to success.
With Senor Death playing the part of Nazi, I must set to work on choosing a destination, studying maps, planning the tactics and strategies of the wanderer, and finally, setting the date : D-Day.
