Endings/Beginnings : Slavery/Freedom

I resigned from my job at the park district on October 3rd, and today walked home from the Cottage for the last time. At my previous jobs 2 weeks was sufficient for the employer to find a replacement, but it did not work out this time around. I can understand a major position, such as CEO, taking months to fill, but 12 weeks to fill a clerk job is absurd(ly lucky). If I had been allowed to leave in mid October, I would likely have decided upon a 4 week trip abroad, returned to my apt, and settled in for a long winter of meditation and guitar playing. Instead, the extended wait allowed for a slim chance to become a wandering monk/artist/poet, if I had the vision to see it, and the balls to accept the challenge. Looking upon the task as a general would while planning an offensive, I knew I would need to see both the panorama and the details, all the while remaining calm and serene in the present moment. I came to realize that I had arrived at one of the big moments in my life - a time to put all of the experience and knowledge gained from a lifetime of curiosity, introspection, and study, to use. Much of life is waiting, and more waiting, and it is what one does during this waiting which will determine what happens when the waiting is over. There are so many ways to go wrong, so many things which can destroy a life - evil from without, evil from within, or just bad luck and circumstance. When things are going well it is possible to squander the good fortune from lack of foresight and not taking advantage of all the gifts which one has. Somehow I have avoided stepping on the numerous land mines which life plants, and have merely tripped and fallen a few times on harmless ground, each time picking myself up and continuing on with faith and good intentions. 20 years ago I accepted the challenge of my youth - learning to live life well through the activity of photography and art. The easy part was doing the work, the hard part keeping a happy heart amidst the ill will of others. I learnt that even if I mind my own business, stay quiet, and do no harm, people will still hate and attempt to ruin the happiness of anyone they meet. To pass through the first test I had to learn the task of art and master it, all the while deflecting the hatred and ill will of others. My life was playing out like a good novel - a naive youngster attempting to create a Utopian way of life, but bad characters along the way make it difficult to attain. After 18 years I believed I had completed the task I had chosen for myself, having learned art and the evil in men's hearts. The past two years I have been waiting, and waiting more. How did I spend this waiting? Learning another form of art, the guitar, and reading, studying, contemplating. The reason it is easy for me to leave money jobs is because they are a meaningless waiting activity, or a means (money) to an end (completing the goal, which needs money). I see life as being a hazy sort of dream, a spiritual quest to see more clearly. The money game, and all of its variations, are a part of the dream, but only as a distraction, or perhaps a test to weed out the blind from those who can see. In one sense, I am the blind. In a world filled with blind people, reality is darkness and anyone who claims to see light is hated and mocked, and said to be insane. But inner truth cannot be insulted away, hatred cannot alter it. If I see light and stars, a thousand people saying there are no stars does not make it true. I may feel quite alone, and even question my sanity from time to time, but I never lose sight of the light, and therefore know that it is indeed true. The waiting will soon be over, and the second challenge of my life will begin. Like the first test, I will mind my own business, stay quiet, and do no harm. I will apply what I have learned, and instead of believing that because I am attempting a good thing people will be sympathetic, I will rather expect that some small part of the rage of the world will fall my way.

Let the journey begin.....