"The Self-Taught Man came close enough to breathe in my face.
'I won't tell you anything in front of this man,' he said in confidence. 'If you would, Monsieur...'
'Would what?'
He blushed and his lips swayed gracefully.
'Monsieur, ah, Monsieur: all right, I'll lay my cards on the table. Will you do me the honour of lunching with me on Wednesday?'
'With pleasure."
I had as much desire to eat with him as I had to hang myself."
Strange thoughts have been arriving lately. I sense changes inside of me. Perhaps the small, almost forgotten idea from Nausea is true - I should have taken detailed notes before I left so that I could remember what I had once been. No matter, the contents of Nausea speaks for what is happening - "I looked anxiously around me : the present, nothing but the present. Furniture light and solid, rooted in its present, a table, a bed, a closet with a mirror - and me. The true nature of the present revealed itself : it was what exists, and all that was not present did not exist. The past did not exist. Not at all. Not in things, not even in my thoughts."
Rachel, when learning of the books I have been lately carrying around, wrote, "sounds like more fun and giggles in reading material", and although said in jest, is true. I am being led into a state of innocence and freedom, not unlike my childhood. I walk the streets with a hard to suppress smile, am light and carefree as in my 12th year, summer vacation. I have somehow recaptured a state of mind which has long been missing - enveloped with confidence, freedom, truth, the present, the thoughts and actions of the world laying on the ground like a squashed insect - something to marvel over, and then discard. Perhaps I am going a bit mad, thinking like a child, but it is a finely balanced feat, mixing youth and age - an intoxicating drink when taken in moderation.
And then I return to Nausea and find : "I am only too glad to feel pity for other people's troubles, that will make a change. I have no troubles, I have money like a capitalist, no boss, no wife, no children; I exist, that's all. And that trouble is so vague, so metaphysical that I am ashamed of it."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I told myself I would not run today, but when I was at the fitness park at dawn doing 12 sets of exercises my legs felt strong. I decided after to walk to the Free Bird for breakfast and when I returned I took a nap. I woke, put my running shoes on and ran back to the fitness park at 2:00pm. The day was smog free, so clear I could see individual trees on the mountain. I have been running in thick smog for eight weeks, how will I react to fresh air? The heat was strong, every 3 loops I stood at a sprinkler with arms outstretched, waiting for my skin to glisten in cool water. I decided to run intervals at the 20 minute mark because I did not feel like running slow for 55 minutes. Surprisingly I could control both heat and speed, off on off on, I stopped at 46 minutes not because I was tired, but because I did not want to run 55 minutes. I did some exercises and felt fatigue in my legs - speed kills - so tomorrow, finally, I may take a break.
