Chuang Tzu
The Way Home, III
I just finished reading my friend Melinda's beautiful blog post about the mysteries of time, fate, and how we end up where we do, and I remembered that I have fallen behind on my own posting. It is not because I have lost the desire to write, on the contrary, after meditating from 5:00-6:30am at the Zendo, I arrive back at the studio with a mind full of clarity. Although somewhat groggy, I have a desire to paint a picture with words. Something about the early morning hour creates a beautiful inner landscape in which to create - it buzzes with energy and light, full of hope and the joy of being alive for another day.
So I am attempting to write a short story. I have noticed that my writing has become more precise and fluid over the past few years, continuing to grow and improve. The few poems I wrote while on the road this year came out better than expected, and when I read them months later, they still seem true and good to my senses. So why not expand and reach out for a further exploration of what writing can express in my life? I am approaching the writing of the story to see how it can alter time and space through imaginary sequences of events. To dig through memories of a specific time and place and write about them in a way which clarifies for myself what really happened, or, to see them from a different angle and view, learning more about myself than I thought possible. The idea of publishing, or having others read it, is a voided concept - I am not pretending to write for other's eyes, I am writing for my own. Not that the story will be understandable to others anyway - this being my first attempt at a short story, it is surely going to be a mess, if it even gets finished at all.
That being said, the writing of it is going better than expected. I have written 5 short (very short) chapters thus far, each one tracing further into a nest of memories which have been dormant for many years. Writing about such a small time period of my life has allowed those memories to breathe again. If I get no further with the story, the attempt will not be a total bust because I was able to alter my consciousness in a small way, reading deeper into my motives and visions. I find it interesting how the story flows from one sequence to another, exhibiting that words can indeed create an imaginary universe of time and space. Of course all the good books I have read through the years have already proven this to me, but it is interesting to watch the sequence unroll from my own hand.
Guitar practice is moving along. I recently put an ad on CL looking for beginning guitarists/musicians to jam with. I got 3 replies so far, one being a guitar teacher who offered to help me reach my music goals. After my negative experiences with two guitar teachers back in Urbana, I am not keen to again put myself into a volatile situation where two egos collide. While I try to keep my ego in check, in certain things, such as the setting of goals and the attempt to complete them, I don't see how to avoid bypassing a will which wants to forge its own path and way - someone who comes along after the goal has been set is going to get in the way of it. However, if I can find the right teacher, where two egos can exist in harmony, I believe I could make progress, and so I have not given up on the idea of following the advice of a music master. I therefore replied to the teacher and explained my situation, and we are going to give it a try. The odds are small that things will turn out as I hope they will, but I will keep trying because I believe in the idea.
The big change, or addition to my life, is meditation. I am practicing every day, in hopes of altering my consciousness so that I can fulfill my life in a proper and meaningful way. I can see clearly that without meditating I will be unable to advance very far. It is hard to change certain habits of the mind, actually, almost impossible, and so the journey and the quest take on the tone of Don Quixote battling windmills - attempting to see more clearly by burrowing deeper into the nature of mind and reality, I flirt with going over the edge of sanity. After adventuring about in the outer world, I now begin a more difficult and perilous task - removing myself from the shadows of the mind to reveal the true shapes and colors of the universe which I find myself living in.
"The teachings reveal to us the possibility of an astounding and finally boundless freedom, which is ours to work for now, in life - the freedom that will enable us to choose our death and so to choose our birth. For someone who has prepared and practiced, death comes not as a defeat but as a triumph, the crowning and most glorious moment of life."
Sogyal Rinpoche
The Way
