1 week

Melinda's Alley

I have not been doing too much the past couple of weeks. There was a lot of snow last week, about 6-7 inches, on one of the days I ran the South Farms loop but stopped after 10 miles because my legs got too tired from high stepping.

I have not picked up the guitar in almost 3 weeks. I had been playing consistently for a year, so I wanted to take a break. When I get settled into the apt I will start up again.

I like my new laptop computer, I won't have an internet connection at my apt so I plan to access the wifi signal at Lincoln Square mall a few times a week.

Leona's job was listed at the UPD a few days ago, the position will be open for internal applicants only, so that increases my chances of being chosen. I am currently working on my resume and the cover letter. Leona suggested I use her as a reference, it will look good that the person whom I will be training with for 5 months will be recommending me :)

In one week I will be starting a new life. My state of mind has surprisingly remained calm and focused on day to day living. I told the people at work about the divorce, it was not too uncomfortable. I feel bad for my mother, she is not taking it very well. I saw her at Christmas and she cried.

Getting Ready for the Move

Walking to Work

Yesterday Rachel and I went to Home Depot and bought a laptop. It will be my first laptop and I am glad I waited because it was only $400 and it is more powerful than our current desktop computer. It seems smart to hold off buying new technology because over time the product is improved and the cost comes down.

Rachel and I went to Target a few days ago to purchase miscellaneous items I will need for the apartment. We were having fun and it felt similar to when we went shopping 11 years ago for supplies for our first house.

The past 7-8 days my asthma has disappeared, which means I am sleeping through the night and when I run I feel as if I have come down from a mountain top. Urbana got more snow recently and yesterday I was running through it, feeling strong due to my fully functioning lungs. What a difference it makes, running is so much easier and enjoyable when I am not gasping for air with each breath.

Living on High

I ran the South Farms loop with Melinda on Thursday, it was great to see her and generous of her to share some time with me. The day was not too cold but there was still some snow on the ground - it was fun! Melinda ran strong and she set a pace that was faster than I normally run for the loop, but I was able to keep up (except when we did a couple of 75 yard striders, I was moving pretty slow). On our walk back to the house, munching on Jimmy John sandwiches, Melinda asked if I hated her - I guess she did not approve of a cool down in wintry, evening cold.... :)

The next morning I got a phone call at work from the manager of the apt which I greatly wanted. She said my credit check looked fine and later in the day, after the Christmas work party (bowling and pizza), I met with her and the current tenant and the apt was signed over to me. I will be moving in on January 8th. The apt has 2 bedrooms, a smallish living room, largish kitchen, and is in a house with 2 other occupants. I am on the first floor with nobody above, it's on High St, in my current neighborhood, only 5 blocks from where I live now. I am looking forward to forging ahead with a newly created life for myself.

The Kindness of Strangers

This past week I have gone on an apartment hunt. While the plan is for me to leave at the end of January, being already packed and mentally ready to go, if I find something sooner I will take it.

Yesterday I viewed an apartment on High Street, across the street from the Urbana City building. Upon entering I immediately liked it and told the woman who is subleasing that I would like to live there. Today I faxed over my rental application, if the owner approves I would move in on January 1st.

If the apt. on High Street does not work out I am viewing an artist's studio/garret tonight at 6:00pm. The house has its own website and is owned by someone who is obviously interested in the arts. I don't like that it is near Prospect in Champaign as it would make getting to work more difficult, but I won't mind walking/biking the extra mileage.

Being on the hunt has me pondering how a life can be changed from the kindness of others. If a person decides I am not right for the apt., I must continue the search until being accepted by some one's good will.

It is similar to a job search but not as difficult and not filled with as much rejection. Looking for a job is something which requires immense patience. Last night I was thinking about some of my job interviews, also a few other experiences which required the acceptance of another. In the times when I was accepted I knew beforehand that a favorable outcome was possible due to the person's facial expression and glowing eyes. I sensed a recognition of trust and approval, and in those cases the outcome was indeed good.

Walking into geometry class the day after an important exam the teacher stood at the doorway greeting the students as they walked in, and when I passed he had a glowing look in his eye, as if to say, "Amazing job!" I knew as I sat down at my desk that I had probably done well, and soon found that I had gotten a perfect grade.

In the 7th grade I tried out for the basketball team. I was small, skinny, short, surrounded buy tall black boys who were more athletic. The final thing we did in the tryout was suicide drills, which is something I loved to do. I noticed that most of the other boys hated them, but running full out brought me joy, and as I ran the final drill I noticed the coach looking at me with an expression of enthusiasm on his face. I then knew I had a chance to make the team even though I could not play basketball. The next morning one of my friends came running down the hall to my homeroom class, and out of breath told me - "You made it!"


When I was 18 I walked into Sear's warehouse, a dingy, dark place which did not inspire me, but I needed a job so I stood at a brown folding table set up in the middle of the warehouse and filled out an application with a few others. I figured I did not have a chance seeing how many people were hanging around filling in paperwork, but when I handed my application to the manager, who sat behind the table, he gave me a look which made me feel warm and positive. He had not even glanced at my application, but I felt I had a chance. Later in the day I was called and told I had the job.

Then there are the times when I know that the person before me has no liking for me whatsoever. Unfortunately these occurrences are more numerous than the above examples. As I am being interviewed I know I am wasting time, that there is no way I am getting the job. I would like to get up and walk out, but I don't, and the cursed interview goes on.

Apartment hunting is fortunately not as rigorous, and I am hoping to find a place which I will enjoy without having to endure too much rejection.

The Grateful Moon

The past couple of weeks have been strange indeed. Ever since Rachel and I decided to part ways our relationship changed from the monotony of a 15 year marriage to a blissful finale. Rachel said this period seems like a honeymoon, minus the sweetness. I thought for a minute or two and decided it was more like a grateful moon - thinking back on all the vivid memories and shared experiences makes me grateful for the 15 years we spent together. Tonight we went out for Thai food then stopped at the Rosebowl to see Caleb Cook, it was a fun evening.

This month I have been running mostly short and slow, but when I woke up this morning and saw the first snowfall of the season I had the urge to run the South Farms loop. Maybe it was the memories of running 3-4 hours in cold and snow last year that got me excited. I am not sure why I like running in difficult conditions. Two weeks ago there was a string of days in the 50's-60's, but I was content running 20 minutes and walking the rest of the way home. Today it was 25 with a stiff wind and icy roadways and I'm thinking "nice, today is a good day to run a long ways". So after work I hit the South Farms loop and ran 12 miles. The first hour my asthma was thorny, but when I got to the arboretum I felt the lungs go free and I smiled and took off. I had to put a face mask on when I reached the dirt road due to the bitter wind. When I finished the run I felt refreshed and happy - happy because this month Melinda will be visiting and we plan to go for a run together - knowing I can still cover the South Farms gives me confidence that I can keep up with her.

Preparation, Contemplation, Simplification

With my marriage soon coming to an end I have been preparing for a new life - different home, living alone, thinking of myself as not being intimately connected to a person.

Emotionally I have been doing better than expected and I thank my daily meditation practice for that. My mind has also been lucid and calm, maybe because I know that I will be staying in contact with Rachel. Rachel and I plan to see each other once I leave and I will be pet sitting when she takes her trip to Puerto Rico in March.

Severing a 15 year marriage and moving forward is not easy because of the vivid and long memories which sometimes surface in my mind. But thinking of the future there is the freedom of living alone, control of finances, and the sheer solitude which can bring creative desire.

I am spending 60-90 minutes a day packing things for moving or storage. I am going to attempt to simplify my life - I will bring a few books, 2 boxes of pictures, a few framed photographs, 3 guitars and an amp, some furniture. I was planning to not own a computer but Rachel said she will pay for half, so I may buy a laptop and use the free wifi around town when I need to use the internet. I will do without a land phone, no television/cable, and will try to get by without a cell phone. I have never owned a cell phone and wonder what it is like to not have any phone whatsoever. My family won't like the idea and maybe there are things which make owning one a necessity, but I can't think of any at the moment.

Crisis

A couple of days ago I found out that my life's direction would be significantly altered. I am still in a state of confusion and shock. Fortunately my spiritual quest is focused on the quality and strength of my mind - I am going to need a calm, clear, attentive mind to survive the next few months.

This blog is not a place to share the details of what I am going through, but I will say that everything I know and love will soon be gone. It is the ultimate test of my faith and spiritual practice. The reason I constantly think about loss and pain is because when it finally arrives I can be somewhat prepared to experience it with equanimity and detachment. I am only one living being in a world filled with a billion living beings. My struggles are small and invisible but I still have to confront and work through them.

I am unsure how much I will be writing about guitar. I still hope to practice everyday but there are many other things which I will soon be doing out of necessity. It may take a year or more before I feel settled and comfortable with life again, and I will strive to retain a meditative mind throughout the process.

The past 15 years of my life have been blessed with good fortune and happiness. It has now come to an end.

Sunburnt Whales

I can't recall a stranger November. I was getting into cold weather mode, enjoying long sleeved shirts and faded jeans, scarf wrapped around my neck, but the string of days this week have been sunny with temps in the 70's.

Rachel and I went to Kickapoo this afternoon and I ran the bike trail loop which I discovered on my 7 hour long run this summer. Rachel hiked and expected me to meet her in 1 hour and 45 minutes. I calculated that I could make that time since I estimated the total distance to be 10 miles. When I showed up 2 hours and 25 minutes later, Rachel none too happy, I guessed that the loop was 12 tough miles of twisting hills.

Last week I decided to purchase a blues instructional course made by Jamie Andreas. I have been practicing the exercises in her Guitar Principles book and I decided I was ready to move forward. During the month of October my progress had been faster than anticipated, so my music confidence is higher than normal. I believe I have a shot at becoming a decent blues guitarist, but I still have my doubts. I sometimes wonder if my small hands will hinder me, but lately I have begun to think otherwise, what they lack for in size they make up for in quickness, agility, and strength.

I was willing to pay $60 for the course, and when I scraped together enough money I logged into the GP site and found that the price had been lowered that day to $35, a 3 day Halloween special - some days my timing is peculiarly lucky.

I began reading and practicing the course a few days ago and am happy with the writing style, clear organization of the material, attention to micro details, and the videos which illustrate the proper techniques. There are 6 blues solos to work on in the course and I have begun working on solo #1. I already have the notes memorized and am practicing the timing, bends, and vibrato.

My current focus is on proper vibrato and bending techniques. I find the correct vibrato wrist motion to be a bit puzzling, but with a lot of practice I am confident I will become good at it. Bending does not seem as difficult, but creating the proper sounds are elusive.

I am guessing that it will take 1 year to finish the course. At that time I am hoping to possess an average ability to play blues solos.

First Steps

Miko Sushi

The past week I experienced the ups and downs of cutting a new path. I was able to meditate each day before going to work, one of the mornings for only 5 minutes. But even 5 minutes of sitting sets a routine which the mind will eventually become addicted to - I simply need to break an old set of addictions and forge new ones.

It seems simple enough, but some addictions are so strong that dismantling a home which has been lived in for a decade would be preferable to changing the habits and patterns of the mind. The startling thing about human nature, though, is its ability to shape reality - with enough effort and belief doors, hitherto unknown, begin to appear, keys eventually stumbled upon, and a threshold into a new world crossed.

I also meditated in the afternoons and evenings. Walking around town I attempt to remain mindful of my breath and this has slowed down my striding pace, which has led to seeing things which I normally would pass by.

Thus far my mind has been filled with too many useless thoughts and desires, so progress has been slow. My expectations need to be shortened - instead of a lengthy chain of calm moments, a single breath movement where the mind is at ease can be considered improvement.

Yesterday while meditating I experienced the first insight of my quest. In an attempt to strengthen my compassion for all living things I imagined taking the suffering from my sister (she is currently undergoing cancer treatment) and breathing it into my heart, where it would then dissolve. I of course do not believe that the actual suffering will be alleviated, but the exercise will hopefully accustom my mind to feeling the suffering of others. As I breathed in, imagining the suffering filling my lungs, my upper body shuddered with an odd sensation of warm illumination. The feeling soon faded and I imagined my dog's suffering (she is losing the function of her back legs), breathing it into my lungs. I again felt my body filling with light and warmth and it too soon faded.

My mind, remembering these startling sensations, is now more determined to meditate. I must break the addictions of my past life link by link, replacing them with more positive stimulants.

My Brother Stole a Chicken at the Fort Wayne Zoo

I have been borrowing blues CDs at the library the last few months, looking for music to jam to and be inspired by. One group I have been listening to is The Reverend Peyton's Big Damn Band. Feeling creative I made a video using Windows Movie Maker set to one of the Reverend's songs. When I posted it to YouTube I found a live version of the song which is amazing :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPEiU9Y6BEE&feature=related

Fort Wayne, home to chicken stealin' blues!

Talent

Walking home from work yesterday I was wondering about the interaction between mind and body when working toward a goal or intended result. In my case the current goal is to discover my potential with the guitar.

The language of music appears to be as complex as a spoken language. It took me 30 years of practicing English before I felt comfortable using it to accurately express my thoughts and feelings. While I am confident that I can learn the basics of music theory and expression, I am uncertain that I will be able to master the more advanced concepts and nuances.

Alongside theory is the physical play of the guitar. When I began 10 months ago I believed I would not get very far, but over time my reflections have convinced me that playing will not be as difficult as first imagined. I have accurate body coordination and quick reflexes, and have used these gifts for such things as baseball, golf, basketball (I suck at playing the team game but can accurately shoot when alone in a gym), tennis, table tennis, and running.

I can recall how difficult and foreign it was to swing a golf club and strike the ball properly, but after a lot of practice (hitting hundreds of balls daily in an open field) I developed a good swing and could hit the ball solidly. Weighing 135 pounds I was driving the ball longer than men who weighed more, which exhibited that my mechanics and swing reflexes were coordinated. I also took pleasure in the short game of golf, realizing that bigger men had no advantage in this part of the game. I became a good putter and can remember rolling in 30-50 foot putts.

Thinking about the evolution of my golf game I realize that learning the mechanics of guitar could be a similar process - put in the practice... watch what happens. During the past few weeks I have seen quick progress in all parts of my guitar play - chord transitions, scale play, picking accuracy, better strumming contact/sound. Even basic music theory is becoming easier to understand.

I went to the library this week and borrowed a beginner's guitar book because I wanted to refresh my memory on things already learned, and hopefully find a few new things. I placed the book on my music stand, sat in a chair, guitar in lap, and read from chapter to chapter. I finished 3/4 of the book in 2 hours, being able to execute most of the mechanics and understanding most of the theory. I plan to finish reading the book soon and am confident that I can get through the last quarter in one session.

Having achieved a comfort level with guitar basics I am now contemplating the concept of talent. This word has always troubled me because I could not discover the object it was supposed to represent. It is something invisible, the only clue to its existence being the end result. But results are not talent, but rather a manifestation of it. If talent is the internal force which produces a result, could not talent be considered just another word for will or desire? If I desire to do something, and will to do it, and the results are mediocre, the talent is then considered average. But if the results are superb the talent is taken note of as something good and rare, and the highest, best results are given the special distinction of genius.

Is talent a mixture of desire, will, intelligence, and emotion - a word that describes the inner workings of a person? In that sense everyone has talent in varying degrees, and to discover the specific qualities of an individual talent would require a thorough understanding of human psychology.

How is it that my efforts to learn guitar are now resulting in progress and pleasing results? Why did I not remain at the level I was at four months ago? The perception of better results makes me feel blessed with good luck.

Something more is required, though, than effort and practice. It is this "more" that I can't decipher. What is it that makes two people who give similar effort achieve vastly different results? When asked about his chess success, Bobby Fisher replied "I practiced a lot, then just got good". There were people who practiced just as much, or more, than Fisher, yet their results were not as spectacular. There was something in the psychology of Fisher's mind which made his results the best, and he was therefore considered a chess genius.

Eventually I will reach a plateau in my guitar play, my maximum talent level having been actualized - the goal of this quest is to discover how much musical talent is contained within my psychology.

After many years of wondering I finally have an idea about talent.

Perception

A few times throughout my life I have altered my mind by carefully choosing what to perceive. When I was 20 I decided watching television was harmful to my well being. I believed that by choosing to watch television I was ignoring my own life and destiny. Perceiving a few odd individuals do odd things on an impersonal viewing screen was not only a waste of precious time but a risky invasion into my mind of things with unknown intent. Reading Emerson one day, it occurred to me that watching television was destroying the integrity of my life. The belief and decision was so strong that it has been 24 years since I have watched anything other than an occasional sports game.

At that time I also decided reading magazines and newspapers was just as dangerous. The authors of the articles were paid to write on a daily or weekly basis, thus if they had nothing of value to write they still had to create something in order to collect a paycheck. The intent of the authors was also unknown. I concluded that the editors and owners of the newspapers were not interested in enlightening me, but rather, controlling my perceptions. The advertisements which littered the pages were attempting to alter my direction in ways which would not have been wise to follow.

I was also disturbed that what I was viewing and reading was being viewed by countless other beings, all at the same time. If I believed that the intent of the publisher/producer was to enlighten the viewers and readers, I may not have objected to mass perception. But the intent was unknown, my intuition believing it was a well oiled propaganda machine.

Cutting out these sources of perception I could feel my mind easing into a different place, one which appeared authentic and real. The things I read were written at least 50 years prior, the things I watched were directly before me.

When the internet was discovered and perfected I decided to allow myself to read AP stories which interested me. It somehow felt different from reading a newspaper. The advertisements could be blocked and it was easy to find articles/essays which were broad topically and geographically. I currently watch sports and read political/crime/sports articles.

Since recently deciding to pursue a spiritual quest I have been observing my daily habits and occupations. I feel that reading internet articles and watching sports is a hindrance to the peace and well being of my mind. I therefore will attempt to cut these things away from my perceptions. My mind has fallen into the addiction of perpetual entertainment. If I am successful in breaking the addiction I will have a chance to make progress in the quest. Until then my mind will revolve around things which are negative and meaningless.

Autumn Beauty

An amazing autumn week - sun and warm air, the brilliant colors of the trees, good health, lots of guitar playing and running, and the beginning days of my spiritual quest.

Since deciding to call it quits to racing my running has been productive, fast, free and fun. I have been running 3-5 milers to Busey Woods. The forest is filled with vibrant colors and because it has been dry the odors are crisp and refreshing. I had the urge to run through the night yesterday, my body must be on a 2 week time schedule for super long runs. I considered doing it, but Rachel treated for Indian food so my full stomach prevented any midnight madness. Today was in the mid 70's and sunny so I decided to run longer than usual and made it 10 miles before the heat made me quit.

Guitar practice is moving steadily along. I have been making fast progress this month, each session my fingers gain more stamina, coordination, and strength. Two nights ago I created a few blues lines on the pentatonic scale which required a hammer on, timed picking, and a 2 and 3 string barre. I have begun to work daily on vibrato and string bending. I have made fast progress on both techniques, it is rough on the fingers but the callouses are getting tougher as each session passes. Chord transitions are becoming smoother, I was going through chords in order of the alphabet and discovered that chords C/D/E sound great in sequence. My picking is getting better but I need to begin working on palm muting because the heavier strings tend to hum even if I strike them correctly.

The spiritual quest has begun, I have been disciplined with meditation, sitting 2-3 times a day, and I cleaned the house for 3 hours this morning trying to remain in a meditative state. Rachel thanked me for cleaning the house and I told her I was actually meditating the whole time, a tidy household being the result. Currently the biggest obstacle is my addiction to entertainment - movies, watching/reading sports and other misc. things will keep me from my goal of having a mind wiped clean of extraneous noise. I need to be weaned from these things and break the habit. I know I can do it, but it won't be easy. Once the unnecessary distractions are eliminated my mind should begin to settle into a quiet and peaceful orbit. Then the work begins.

I carried a camera with me on one of my runs this week. Here is a picture from that day :

Congratulations....

to Melinda for running an awesome marathon! I recently read her report and was impressed by her ability to run a negative split and go under 4 hours. Since I likely won't be racing any time soon, I will be enjoying the thrills of a race through the accomplishments of others. If you read this Melinda, way to go!

Transforming My Life

I continue to find myself in a cycle of accelerated guitar growth. Things are arriving quickly, so I try to strike while the iron is hot.

Last night as I lay in bed a thought flashed through my mind - "if I know the notes of an open chord, I can find those same notes elsewhere on the fretboard and create the same chord (would it be in a different key, or called a different chord depending on the root note?). So today the first thing I did in my practice session was to look at the notes of the open C chord, move up 4 or 5 frets and find the same notes, place my fingers upon the appropriate frets (a different shape than the open C), and strum the strings - it was the harmonious C, but at a different pitch.

Another example of guitar theory becoming more clear in my head is my understanding of the open chords. I recently became comfortable in my knowledge of the open chords A-G when I realized that I did not know the B chord. I researched it and found that the B chord was not open, that it needed a bridge on the 2nd fret. However, I had been using the B7 chord for my practice of the E 12 bar blues, but I did not know it was B7 until I did the B chord research. When I sat down with the guitar I went through chords A-G and felt confident that I knew them better than I had a few months ago. It was this more lucid chord knowledge which led to the bedtime thought of forming chords using the whole fretboard.

When I began the guitar quest in January I knew nothing, the fret board a blank slate ready for my pen and paper scraps. At first things went halting and slow, but I was daily filling the void - sitting down at the kitchen table to draw a fret board with all the notes labeled; printing out 11 beginner lessons from the internet (currently on lesson 8); learning how to hold the guitar and the pick; having the desire to practice for hours, but my fingers complaining after 15 minutes, forcing me to stop; going to two private guitar instructors, and having both experiences go sour (the first teacher wanting to change how I formed chords, the second teacher dumping me because of my questions and comments); attempting to learn and memorize basic chords and the pentatonic scale; and the persistent sense that I was close to being overwhelmed with my ignorance of the subject.

Throughout the lonely, dark beginning, I knew that it was the perceived difficulties that I was experiencing which made the guitar quest worthwhile - upon reaching the threshold of mastery, learning new things would become infrequent, and making the guitar seem fresh would become the new task at hand. And so I embraced the quest and the long path ahead of me. I do not want to be anywhere near the end because the point is to work with something for many years, to learn it intimately, and then, upon knowing and loving it, to let it go.....

Yesterday was one of those timeless autumn days which attaches itself stubbornly to the curious eyes of my memory - the warmth of the fading season, the colored leaves falling through the still and quiet sky. I sat on a wood bench in the solitary woods playing guitar, reading, eating lunch. I breathed the scent of dried leaves, gazing at the sun, piercing the silence with music.

I currently am reading a book entitled "Transform your Life". It is written by a Tibetan monk and he lucidly describes the beauty and rarity of being born human. The ultimate quest is the spiritual one - to become intimate with the mind - to observe and calm it, become its master. It is like an art - without practice, the mind falls into all sorts of negative attitudes - anger, envy, hatred. Sitting in meditation is the way to peace, the way to quell the things which can blacken a heart.

I am thus going to attempt to transform my life, once again. In my early 20's I followed the spiritual path for 2 years, and I luckily found the way to peace. Instead of pursuing the life of meditation further, I abandoned it for art. While continuing meditation would have been the wiser choice, choosing art was not a bad thing. I should have simply continued with meditation while practicing art, but better late than never. I have decided to seriously resume my meditation studies, perhaps I once again will find the way into the light of peace.

Freedom and Progress

Yesterday I ran to Busey Woods, admired the changing leaves and the smells of autumn, and ran a mile toward home. It was the first run in a long time where it was not meant for a future race effort. My legs felt fresh, my mind unburdened, and the old sense of freedom which running had once given me had returned. The last mile of the run was quick, and I sprinted the last couple of minutes.

I have not written about my guitar quest in past 3 or 4 months. Once summer rolled around my mind began to focus on running long distance and so that is what I wanted to write about. However, my daily practice of the guitar did not halt and I found myself making progress as each summer month passed. Now that racing has come to an end I will most likely write more about my guitar practice.

I am currently rereading Jamie Andreas' Guitar Principles book. The few simple exercises which the book describes have helped my fingers gain more relaxation and control. Whenever I find my pinkie or index finger jumping off the fretboard I return to the exercises to regain finger composure and strength. I usually begin a practice session using the exercises and then jump into other things.

The other things are soloing to blues songs, chord transitions, song learning, musical improvisation, and scale exercises.


Soloing to blues songs :

I love doing this and am slowly improving in blues technique. Before I could practice blues soloing I needed to learn and memorize the 5 patterns of the pentatonic scale since that scale is the one used most in blues/rock songs. I tacked a printout of the scale patterns on my studio wall and study it every practice session. If I get lost during a scale exercise or solo I read the chart to remind myself of where the notes are located on the fretboard.

I have been studying the scale for 6 months and am surprised I don't know it better. On the other hand I have the 5 patterns memorized and don't get lost as often when moving around the fretboard.

On the other side of the equation is having the fingers move efficiently from note to note. I am happy to say that there has been improvement in finger dexterity and coordination, making scale play more musically pleasing.

Having achieved memorization of the scale along with basic finger dexterity, I am currently working on techniques which transform the notes into blues music. String bending, back and forth quarter bends, slides, and hammers/pulls must be done with a quick effortlessness as one moves from note to note. I am currently far from the speed and comfort needed, so my current practice is focused on becoming comfortable with these techniques.

Listening to various blues songs has improved my musical ear. When I began it would take me a few minutes to find which key the song was in. Now I sometimes can head straight to the correct key in just a few seconds from listening to the first few notes of the bass or lead guitar in the song.


Chord Transitions :

After working on scales I will shift gears and practice chord formations and transitions. I find that my chord work follows the beat of the scale work - the more agile my fingers become in moving from note to note within a scale, the easier it is to move from chord to chord.

The first few months I worked on the popular major/minor chords, but lately I have been incorporating the lesser played ones. I have discovered that while on their own they don't sound great, but when hooked up with a major chord they become quite musical. An example is in the song Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles. The D chord gets the most emphasis but there is a beautiful part where it moves from E7 to D. The off sounding E7 becomes the perfect compliment to the full harmony of D. A full E chord doesn't work, as it would be similar to placing two bright colors side by side in a painting.

When practicing chords the right hand gets a chance to work on strumming and picking patterns. When doing scale work the picking hand usually moves in a sequential order, but I allow myself the freedom to experiment with chord picking patterns and strums. Holding a G chord I find that I can pick random strings in various patterns to make a large combination of sounds. When I combine another chord the possibilities of sound patterns become even larger.


Song Learning :

To keep things musical I am always looking out for songs to learn. House of the Rising Sun was the first song I learned and as I continue to practice it I find different ways of playing it. I have also learned We Are Going to Be Friends, Here Comes the Sun, Dead Man, and a few others. Since my fretting and picking skills are still at the beginning level I am not good at playing these, but as each month goes by I become a little better.

I have a long term goal of learning the classical piece Asturias. I currently can play the first 20-25 measures of it. One segment of 6-8 measures I find to be particularly difficult, but after 3 months of working on it my fingers have become stronger and I am making improvements with it. The main problem is stretching the fingers when moving from note to note. With practice my fingers have learned to stretch wider and I find that when I go back to playing normal chords and scales it is easier to do after having worked on the Asturias finger stretches.


Musical Improvisation :

Sometimes when the sun is going down, or I am feeling more solitary than usual, a musical mood overcomes me and I pick up the guitar and start playing. The more I practice the better the improvisation becomes.

Lately the improvements have been startling and it makes me want to practice more. I have reached the point of the quest where quitting due to being overwhelmed with new material and the subsequent lack of ability to do anything with the guitar is safely past. Without the proper dedication, discipline, and knowledge of what it takes to learn something difficult, it is possible to quit the guitar after just a few months. Sore fingers, not being able to make pleasing sounds, and seeming lack of progress will weed out the people with incorrect attitudes. Those not willing to practice daily, not willing to study, and who believe they will become proficient after 1 or 2 years of work are the ones who will need to change their attitudes, or quit. I constantly have to keep in mind that I am doing something which requires a minimum of 8-10 years of work before something good can be seen/heard. It takes a leap of faith to put in a lot of work when the results are not guaranteed, and if they do occur, won't be seen/heard for a decade.

Fortunately I have already been through the process with darkroom photography, and the sense of achievement one feels when the results finally do arrive is supreme. When darkroom photography was wiped out by digital I decided that I needed to find another activity which offered the same type of working time table. Digital photography is the perfect medium for the person who wants to see fast results without having to put in much work. After 3-4 weeks of study and practice one can master digital photography. After all, how hard is it to push a button, transfer the file to the computer, then tweak the image in Photoshop? The millions of superb images seen on the internet proves that anyone with a finger and an eye can make a great digital photograph. I want/need something that offers more of a challenge.

I know I will eventually return to painting, and thus resume my work with images, but for now I want to work with something which I believed I would not get to in this lifetime. Perhaps I can do both. After all, I currently practice guitar only 1-2 hours per day. I could possibly fit in 2-3 hours of painting and be learning two things at once. It is worth thinking about.


Scale Exercises :

I find scale exercises to be rewarding and fun. It is similar to running, once I get the fingers moving I can turn off my mind and just float for 25-30 minutes. Not only is it good for the fretting hand and the learning of the pentatonic scale, but the picking hand gets a great workout. I have lately seen big improvement in the accuracy of my picking. I don't strike the wrong string as much as I used to, the speed is improving, and the hand more relaxed.

Along with the pentatonic scale I find working with the chromatic scale (moving the fingers along every fret of the board) to be just as fun. It is especially difficult down at the first four frets since the arm is furthest away from the body. It is hard to stay relaxed with the arm stretched out and the fingers also stretched on the wider first frets.

Endings/Beginnings

5 1/2 years ago I ran my first race (not counting my one year of hs cross country back in 1980), a 5k which I ran in 22:xx. Last month I ran what will most likely be my final 5k, in 22:xx. In between those two races were highs and lows, injuries, goals met, and an overall sense of health and strength.

My final 2 races ended with not crossing the finish line. I've read how people dislike not finishing a race, that it somehow marks them as being weak-willed and soft. I withheld judgement on this attitude because I had yet to experience this until the past month. In the span of 14 days I came up short on a 100 and 50 mile race. While I was disappointed in not reaching the finish line there were too many positive things about these races to make me feel insecure or bitter. Having the strength and fitness to run/walk for 12 consecutive hours is a blessing, even if the goal was to go twice as long. Tired and sore, the glow of a long run is still bright, which makes my spirit rejoice.

I also found that being defeated by circumstance - the course, the malfunctioning of the body, etc. - is just as satisfying as being victorious. Upon deciding to stop in a race before finishing I am admitting that my limits have been reached for the day. How many times in my life will I reach a point where I say I can't go on any longer, that I gave it everything I had and still came up short? The 2 DNF's created a sense of wholeness and gave me a secret knowledge that I am willing to confront things which will beat me down and defeat me. To be vanquished is just as honorable as being victorious, as long as I hold the correct attitude in both instances.

On first glance it seems odd to end racing with two DNF's, as the redemption is left hanging, the supposed bitterness not washed away. But upon reflection I see it as the perfect ending - I bow in defeat, readying myself for a new direction.

My First Ambulance Ride

I ran the Farmdale 50 yesterday, and had to take another DNF when heat exhaustion symptoms overcame me at mile 39. Seeing that I have not been able to finish my last 2 races I believe it is time to take a break from racing.

I arrived Friday afternoon at Farmdale Reservoir and set up my tent in a big field surrounded by trees. I played my guitar, ate a supper of sandwich and salad, and went to sleep when it got dark at 7:30pm. The night air dropped to 40 degrees, so I got a bit chilled, but still managed to sleep.

I woke at 4:10am, got myself ready to run, and we were sent off into the dark woods at 5:00am. I was back to running in the dark, and it was fun. I noticed that my headlamp band was looser than expected, then I remembered Rachel had worn it last week. Since I was already on the run I did not want to stop and fix it, so I took it off my head and carried it until the sun came up at 6:30am.

My task was to run 5 x 10 mile loops. I finished the first loop in 2:07, which seemed a good pace for 50 miles. The course was changed from last year, it seemed more difficult with numerous hills and twisting bike paths. Most of the loop is similar to the 5 mile bike route at Kickapoo that I found challenging. I was worried that this years Farmdale course was going to tear up my legs with so much up and down and twisting and turning.

My legs were already a bit fatigued after the first loop, and as I started the second loop I decided that I would be lucky if I finished under the cutoff time of 13 hours. Even though I felt as if I was running slower during the second loop, I came in at 4:07, which means I ran it faster than the first by 7 minutes. I guessed that running in daylight had made it easier.

The third loop went well, my legs were starting to get tired, but there was little soreness in the quads. I made sure to walk most of the hills during this loop, and slowed down a bit, finishing 30 miles in 6:18. I felt good about that time, as the course seemed as difficult as the Devil's Lake 50k.

I started the fourth loop feeling alright, but at mile 32 my heart rate jumped and I could not slow it down. My mouth soon became dry, and I thus emptied my water bottle well before I reached the 5 mile aid station. The day had gotten warm, when we started I could see my breath and my hands were numb with cold. Now it was 85 degrees and I was feeling it. I was wishing that my heat training from the summer would help me out, but it had not been hot during the past 3 weeks and my body was having trouble adapting.

I decided to walk until my heart rate declined but unfortunately the walking did not help. It was an odd sensation to be breathing heavy while walking and it seemed ridiculous. I was now being passed by a lot of people but tried not to let it bother me. My mind was focused on getting my heart rate back to normal.

Throughout the race I had been periodically eating dried, sweetened pineapple chunks. Within 10-15 minutes of eating the pineapple I would feel an energy boost, so it was helping me avoid the valleys of energy depletion which sometimes happen during a long race. When I reached the longest hill on the course (about 250m) I attempted to eat the pineapple but I felt a wave of nausea overcome me and I had to spit out the food. I tried drinking the water I had left and also spit it out. I was still breathing heavy and walking up the hill was not helping. I knew that I would not be able to finish the race if I could no longer eat or drink. I thought about finding a quiet place off the trail and sitting down for a while, but I got worried that with little water left I would be unable to cool myself down, so I trudged slowly along, trying to get to the aid station at mile 5.

When I reached the aid station I felt pretty bad. I had decided on my walk that I would drop out of the race at mile 40. If I was thinking more clearly I should have dropped at the aid station. I was not in good enough condition to walk/run another 5 miles with the day getting hotter. I was able to choke down a small piece of banana and drink some water. I poured water over my head to cool off, then began walking.

I was still breathing heavy, more people passed, and I felt like the last person on the course. I had the urge to pee so I went off course and stood in a hot field for what seemed a long time before I was able to go. Soon I was out of water and the toughest part of the course was upon me - steep, rolling bike hills, one after another, followed by longer hills, then shorter hills, repeated over and over.

Walking was taking too long so I attempted to run. After a few steps I tripped on a root and fell clumsily onto the hard path. I scraped my knee and shoulder, managed to get back up, and began walking again.

When I reached the end of the bike paths and entered the grassy area which meant the levee was close by, I rejoiced. I stopped on the path, sat down, and removed my shoes to get the rocks out. A woman ran by and asked if I was alright. I recognized her from the start of the race, where she had said that she was planning on finishing in 13 hours. This memory depressed me. She was soon followed by an older man who ran by cheerfully and asked if I was alright. I nodded, and when I got back up I started to run. I made it 100 yards, and then had to walk again. I felt wobbly, had no water, my head was hot and my heart was racing. But I was almost done, only a mile to go.

Before reaching the levee, which is a half mile in length, I had to traverse a few steep paths through the woods. When I got to them I was worried about the levee, as it was unshaded. If I was unable to run it would take 10 minutes to cross. I did not know if I could make it. I looked up and saw a young man sitting on the path with medics helping him. He looked like I felt. Suddenly I felt worse, and had to sit down on the side of the path, 20 yards from the medics and the sick runner. I felt dizzy, nauseous. I put my head down between my legs and thought I would vomit. Mike the race director walked over to me, he must have been out here helping the other sick runner, and asked how I was feeling. I told him I was ill. I started to hyperventilate, my breathing was fast and getting faster, I thought I was going to pass out and I sprawled on the ground, face down. Mike was carrying a plastic gallon of water, he asked if I wanted any, I told him I could not drink but asked him to pour it over my head. If I could cool down maybe I would feel better. The water was surprisingly ice cold but I was still hyperventilating. Mike put his hand on my shoulder and back and told me to think about my breathing. I was ready to give up hope, but I tried to place my mind in a meditation mode, following the breath, remaining in the present. Within 30 seconds my breathing slowed down and I asked for more water to be poured over me. The water fell in big drops down my back, on my neck, and over my head. I smiled at how good it felt, and within a few minutes my breathing was normal, it was the best it had felt in a long time.

The medics walked over and asked if they could help. I told them I was feeling better but they wanted to test my heart rate, blood sugar, and other things. This took 10 minutes, and then they helped me to my feet and I was able to walk on my own over the flat parts of ground, and the medics and Mike helped me up the steep parts of the path. When we reached the levee I was placed in a fire dept. pick up truck and driven across the levee, where an ambulance waited. I asked the fireman if he could drive me to the start/finish area 1/4 mile away, but he said the ambulance medics wanted to look me over. I got into the ambulance and lay on the stretcher. They retested everything and found nothing out of the ordinary. They wanted to drive me to the hospital but by now I was feeling better, so refused. They called a doctor, told him what had happened with me and that I refused to go to the hospital. They had me sign a form and let me keep a copy and told me to call them if I felt sick again. They then offered to drive me to the start/finish area and when they stopped the ambulance I got out, feeling pretty good.

My race thus over, I found Mike, thanked him for his help, and lay down in the shade of a tree for 30 minutes. When I got up I ate some food, then walked to my camp site and took the tent down. The sun was still overhead and it felt hot as I worked on the tent. A few times I had to stop and get into the shade. Although I was feeling better I was weak and realized the best thing was to be in a cool room laying on my back.

I was able to drive home safely and after returning the rental car had a large portion of Indian food before sleeping soundly for 10 hours. It was the first night in 2 weeks where I had uninterrupted sleep, and I felt happy when I woke up in the morning.

While this race did not turn out the way I had hoped, I did the best I could and fought through tough circumstances. I will admit I am tired of the pain of ultra races. It is one thing to experience the pain and then feel the high of finishing, but when the finish line is nowhere to be found the only reward is patiently awaiting the pain to fade.

Having done what I could with short races, and now also the longer ones, I find my interest in any kind of racing to be diminished. I am being pulled back to my original way of running - being out on the trails running alone, an end in itself. No finish line to cross, nobody to compete against, just the sun and the trees, my body in motion and the thoughts which accompany it.

My original plan was to take time off from running, but now that I have decided that I would be happier if I dropped racing altogether, there is no need to end training, since training is also finished. Run when I want, stop when I want. Taking days off with no thought as to how it will affect a future run. The freedom of running has never felt so strong.

Hard 8

I have been sleeping somewhat better this week, although not in the best style. I get into bed at 9:30pm, sleep until 2:00am, wake up wheezing, lay in bed for a few hours waiting for the asthma to diminish, which it does around 5:00am. I then sleep soundly, albeit with odd dreams, until 7:45am. So 6-7 hours of sleep is not bad, and thus my energy levels have approached normal this week.

Yesterday I decided on a hard run at Busey Woods, the usual 1000m hard repeats on the trails. In the spring the recovery jog was 300m but I was able to shorten it by summer to 150m, and even though my seasonal asthma is upon me I can still recover with the 150m. I ended up running 7 reps, the first four I struggled with my breathing due to constricted lung space (65-70% capacity), but the lungs cleared and I was able to run the final 3 reps at 85-90% oxygen capacity. It was odd having the extra oxygen boost during a time when fatigue was settling in, so instead of getting slower I was able to run faster during reps 5-7. My endurance is currently high, I could have run 12-15 reps if I needed to, but stopping at 7 ensured that I would make a fast recovery. I don't plan on running again until the 50 miler this Saturday, so I have 3 days to relax and mentally prepare for the race.

Today after work I walked the cemetery hill for 2 hours. The day was perfect, 75 degrees with low humidity. The weather forecast for Saturday calls for sunny skies with a high of 80 degrees. When the race starts at 5:00am it will be in the upper 40's, so a full day of running will bring a large fluctuation in temperature. I plan to drink little during the first 30 miles, by then the day will be warm and I can start to drink more liberally.

Since I will most likely have congested lungs at the beginning of the race I will be forced to run the first hour at a slow pace. My asthma will therefore enforce a smart race strategy. The lungs will probably clear to 90% capacity after 10 miles and I can then start to push the pace. I believe I currently have a solid combination of endurance and speed, so even though my energy and breathing won't be optimum I have confidence that I can run a solid race if I don't make any mental errors.

I recently watched the film Hard 8, here is my favorite scene from the movie :

$2000 hard eight.....

Feeling Good (sort of)

I ran speed workouts on Wednesday and Friday. My legs were 90% recovered on Wednesday and 99% recovered by Friday. My bruised stomach is recovering at the same rate as my legs and feels 100% today.

My allergies kicked me in the lungs this week and I have been having the usual slug fest with asthma between midnight-4:00am. Monday and Tuesday caught me by surprise and I had little sleep, so I was walking around town feeling like a zombie. Wednesday's speed workout was tough because the energy low from lack of sleep is severe, and although the asthma during the day is not noticeable, when I run I can feel the constriction in the lungs which makes running fast difficult. Breathing was fast and hard and I had to stop after 1 mile of 150m hard/50m easy repeats. I breathed fast for 15 minutes after the run.

Friday I was feeling a little better because I was sleeping better. I slept for 2-3 hours on Wednesday and Thursday from 6:00-8:00pm and then played guitar until 10:30pm. Afterward I meditated for 60-90 minutes. The meditation relaxes my lungs, calms the mind, and suppresses the asthma. I am able to sleep through the night if I meditate for 90 minutes before laying down. The deep breathing somehow negates the effects of the lung irritation.

The speed session on Friday went a little better than Wednesday because my legs felt fully recovered and energy levels had returned to near normal due to more sleep. I still had a hard time running fast due to asthma but was able to go a little faster and made it 1.5 miles.

Seeing that my legs are doing well and I have no injuries I decided to register for the Farmdale 50 on October 9th. I won't be at my best due to allergies and asthma, so I won't set any time goals. I will attempt to finish the race and enjoy being on the trails from sun up to sun down.

I am concerned that my mental preparation is lacking. I realize that 50 miles is a long way, but I can't convince my mind to take it seriously. After focusing on 100 miles for a few months, 50 does not seem as bad. Knowing that I ran/walked 46 miles one week ago with moderate effort and little damage is leading to a case of over confidence. The main thing I need to remember is to drink sparingly, as the weather forecast is calling for cool weather.

DNF at Hallucination 100

I dropped out of the Hallucination 100 after having run only 46 miles. Around mile 30 I was chatting with a female runner in the dark woods when I felt a pain with every foot fall in my right side near the rib cage. Before that pain occurred I had been listening to water bouncing in my stomach for about an hour. I had never experienced water sounds while running, and because I don't pee much during long races I was worried that I drank too much in the hours prior. I managed to pee twice after the pain started, which means I did drink too much. By the time I reached mile 40 the pain caused from my bloated stomach hitting the rib cage had gotten worse from repetition. I knew my stomach needed to absorb the excess liquid, but I did not know how long it would take. I decided to walk, hoping the easier pace would speed absorption.

After a few miles walking I again felt the pain near my ribs, which meant that it would probably be hours more before my water level was back to normal. During this time I stopped drinking, but my appetite was large, so I ate a lot at the aid stations. Around 3:00am the temperature dropped to the upper 40's with a stiff wind. I was walking with only a singlet and shorts and was getting chilled, and my legs were stiff from the prolonged break from running. I decided that it would be wise to stop my race at the 46 mile aid station. Walking casually for 3 hours had given me the time to think things through :

1) I had accidentally drank too much. I only drink when thirsty, and don't follow a schedule for when to drink, but this time my body overcompensated, probably because 95% of my runs during the past 3 months have been in hot and humid conditions. Race day was breezy and cool with low humidity, so the water, lemonade, and V8 I drank was overkill, and it settled into my stomach without being absorbed.

2) The excess liquid I heard bouncing in my gut with each stride had extended the size of my stomach, which now bumped against my ribs when running/walking. This caused the pain I was feeling in that area.

3) I had to decide if the stomach banging on the rib cage would cause damage to my stomach and any other organs. Since I was feeling pain, I believed that the potential for serious harm did exist.

4) Having given my body 3 hours to process the water, and seeing no improvement, I decided the best thing to do was drop from the race and try again another time.

So that is what I did, I dropped at the 46 mile aid station. A nice couple were there waiting for their son to pass through for his final 100k loop, and they offered to drive me back to the start line. When I got back to my camp site I slept in the tent for two hours, then packed up at dawn and drove home.

I have no regrets about my decision, it was the right thing to do. I don't feel sad about not finishing, as I predicted a 10% chance of completing the course. I tried my best, which was the main goal, I focused, ran smart, and was well trained. I made the mistake of drinking too much, but that had never occurred before, so I was not looking out for that problem. It is a lesson learned and I will now remember to drink moderately when running a long race if the conditions are cool and I am not sweating.

Other than the stomach bloat, everything else went well. I ran an easy, slow pace, hit the first 16.7 miles in 3:30, finished the 2nd loop in 3:34, and was running the same pace in the third loop until I had to walk for 3 hours. My legs were slightly sore by mile 35, but nothing too bad.

The course was great, and I loved running at night. My headlamp was bright enough, but the batteries died after only 5 hours. As the light dimmed on the bulb I tripped on a root I could not see and fell. The path was sandy and it was like landing on a beach, so no harm was sustained. I ran/walked from 4:00pm to 4:30am, I wanted to see the sunrise, but maybe next time.

It is now 2 days after the race and my legs are sore, but I can see that they will recover within a week. My stomach is still sore in the area below the ribs, so I am glad I stopped when I did. This was to be my last race of the season, but since I will most likely make a fast recovery I am thinking about running Farmdale (50 miles), and the McNotAgain 30 miler in October. November-December will be time off from training.

I would like to try another 100 mile race, but that will have to wait until next summer. If I can stay healthy this winter and start soft training in January, I would like to participate in the Kettle Moraine 100 in June.

It is exciting to attempt something which is not easy to achieve. It may take years of trying before I complete a 100 mile race. I am looking forward to the challenge and the adventure.

Musings on 100, Part XVIII

"In the words of the ancients,
one should make his decision within the space of seven breaths.
It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit
to break through to the other side."


Yamamoto Tsunetomo (1659 - 1719)

Musings on 100, Part XVII

Just a few days until I toe the line of my first attempt at running/walking 100 miles. I have no apparent injuries, my legs are fresh, and my mind is focused on the task at hand.

The race start/finish is at Hell Creek Ranch, a private campground with a pool, showers, and access to trails and lakes. Because of the amenities the charge for setting up a tent is almost as much as staying a night in a hotel. Considering that hundreds of people will be at the campground, to use the shower will most likely include a long wait in line. Even so, it would be convenient to have a tent set up so that when my race is over I can immediately crash in my sleeping bag. Since I would be using the tent on Saturday night only I do not want to pay for two nights of camping, but I can't see myself setting up a tent in the dark after running 100 miles. I emailed the race director and asked if I could get a discount for Friday since I will set up the tent a few hours before the race (4:00pm Friday), and won't see it again until late Saturday. The director replied that I was the first person to ask this, but he did not mind me putting the tent up on Friday and paying for Saturday only. Since there is a chance he may forget this gesture of generosity, I will bring my tent along and if they decide to charge me for Friday/Saturday, I will forgo the tent and find a hotel to sleep in after the race.

Yesterday I walked barefoot up and down the hill at the arboretum for an hour. I am lessening my training and won't do any more running until the race. I was contemplating a final short workout of intervals today but I don't want to risk injury and it is more important to have fresh rather than sharp legs, so I will instead take it easy and rest.

I currently have a good balance of confidence and trepidation. I am prepared to face the pain and struggle. I did not cut corners in my training so I have given myself the opportunity to run to my potential. However, my potential may not be enough, and if this is so I will need to find the strength and luck from another source - spirit, soul, will - whatever it is called, coming into contact with it is the reason I am interested in running 100 miles.

Musings on 100, Part XVI

With less than 1 week until the Hallucination 100, my body is feeling strong, my fitness is at a decent level, and my attitude is where it should be.

During the remaining days I plan to study the small details, such as travel plans, food items I will need, and how I want to pace myself during the race.

As for pacing, I recently read a blog in which the runner perfectly described my own hesitations about how to run the first half of the race. She wrote that she can get to mile 70 in good shape, but the final 30 miles are always a death march. She wonders if this is an effect of running the first 50 miles too fast, or if it is the natural way in which her body responds to running such a long distance. In all of her 100 mile races she would go out somewhat hard, and hold on at the end. She wondered if she should try going out slow for the first 10 hours, hoping the turtle pace would bypass the 70 mile crash and burn. But she concluded that no matter how slow she went, it would not matter - miles 70-100 were going to hurt, so why not go fast at the beginning of the race?

That is what I have been asking myself - if I run the first 35-50 fast or slow, will it matter? if I am going to be hurting at mile 70, why not run a normal pace until I reach that point? If I hiked the first 50 miles and ran the final 50, would I crash at mile 70? I may be feeling stiff and achy at mile 70, but there is a chance I would not be in death march mode due to the gentle first 50 miles. If this is true, then pacing during the first 50 miles does matter, and can affect how I feel at mile 70. Holding that belief I have to decide what a proper pace should be for the first half of the race. Since I do not have a finishing time goal, a good pacing strategy would be slow, and slower. Will I be able to watch most of the competitors run away from me during the first 20 miles? If I can contain my competitive urges and keep the pain of mile 70 within my imagination, maybe I can.

Musings on 100 - Part XV

My mother called today to say that the doctors working with my sister believe her cancer to be at a stage which is curable, and that the surgery should not be as difficult because of this. If this remains the case then I will not need to attend the surgery, and this allows me to participate in the Hallucination 100. There is still a chance that the cancer will be serious, so I may need to be at the surgery, but it now seems unlikely. That is happy news for my sister.

Yesterday I decided to time a walking mile, so I went to the track at dusk and walked 4 laps in 15:48. I was pleased with this because I predicted my walking rate being close to 20 minutes per mile. If I were to walk 100 miles at that pace, and add in 90 minutes for aid station breaks and an increased rate due to hilly and rough terrain, I would finish in 27:50. It strikes me as ridiculous that people who "run" 100 miles in over 28 hours are actually walking the entire distance. Since everyone begins a race by running, there must be a segment where the 28 hour finishers are sleeping on the side of the trail.

If I am fortunate enough to finish, I will find out just where those extra hours come from because I doubt I can finish in under 27:30.

Earlier in the day I hiked at Kickapoo with Rachel and I noticed that my walking pace was twice as fast as hers. When we hiked the steep hills I was ascending with little effort. All of the hill walking the past 2 months have paid off, as my hiking strength is better than it has been in a while.

After the timed mile at the track my body was craving more distance, which was good because I wanted to test my new headlamp. When I got to the arboretum hill it was dark and I switched on the light and it was as bright as a car lamp. It was much brighter than Rachel's bike light, so I was glad to have invested $30 for it. Walking up and down the hill with the bright light was fun, but I felt uneasy because if anyone was lurking in the shadows they would know where I was at all times. So I now know I am afflicted with a bit of night fright, but I hope having a lot of runners on the course will help me feel at ease during the night portion of the race.

Today I did all out hill sprints at the arboretum, I only did 8 reps, then 2 x 200m all out sprints in the flat grass - short and sweet taper workout.

As the race approaches the intensity of my focus and concentration is reaching a high pitch. Although never having been in the military, I imagine a soldier awaiting a momentous battle offensive experiencing something similar - the arduous tasks which await, the enemy fire which will assault his senses, and the preparation for possible death. While my task does not include an enemy shooting bullets and bombs, it is similar to a courier whose job is to cover 100 miles in the shortest possible time to deliver an important message.

D minus 9 to race day.

Musings on 100, Part XIV - The Urbana 100

This morning I set out walking and covered a 3 hour hike, some of it barefoot up and down the hill at the arboretum. It was thus far the easiest 3 hour walk, so everything is falling into place fitness wise.

While on the walk I had a chance to examine all of the feelings directed at the sudden news of my sister's serious illness. It is not an easy thing to sift through because of the odd nuances which exist in our relationship. The reason I may have to miss the Hallucination 100 is because my mother asked me to be at the hospital for my sister's surgery. It is yet unknown when the date of the surgery will be, but if it happens to fall between the 23-26 I will not be able to run.

If I do have to miss the race, I considered registering for another one in the autumn, but after searching for races in the midwest or south, I could not find anything suitable. The Arkansas Traveler is in early October, and was one of the races I considered before registering for the Hallucination. The Arkansas deadline is Sept. 20th, so it is possible I will not know when the surgery is before then. The financial cost would be a burden, as I would have to pay the highest entry fee due to registering late, and I won't get a refund on the Hallucination entry fee.

It is likely that if I cannot run the Hallucination, the next time I could run a 100 mile race would be in one year's time. Since I am planning on taking the winter off, I would need to rebuild my fitness for 6 months beginning in March. Having to wait so long I have a bad feeling that it would be easy for something else to block my way for next year's race, thus thwarting my plans once again.

Then I came up with an idea which made everything with running seem good again. A couple of months ago Rachel tried to convince me that I should run 100 miles here in town, a one man race. Her motivation was she would get the entry fee in exchange of managing a small aid station. I thought about it briefly, but concluded that I would have no chance to finish due to the solitary nature of the run - I would be lacking the adrenalin and motivation which running with others would bring. I therefore would be slower, tire more easily, and be more inclined to stop when the pain began to settle into my legs. But now that circumstance may dictate that I miss my chance this year to run an organized 100 mile race, the "Urbana 100" may be my only option to participate in this form of Vision Quest.

I asked Rachel about it and she told me she would manage the aid station for no entry fee as long as I pay for all of the supplies. I now have a back up plan to make sure I can attempt to run 100 miles in 2010, so I have two races to plan for. I mapped out a 5 mile loop which begins/ends at the garden pavilion in Meadowbrook Park. The aid station will be in the pavilion (if someone has it rented for the afternoon we can move the supplies to the picnic tables outside the pavilion). I will set up a small bag of supplies somewhere along the South Farms road at the half way point, so aid every 2.5 miles will make fueling/hydrating not a problem.

I will have to run the loop 20 times. I give myself 1% chance of finishing the Urbana 100, but having attempted a 100 mile race will leave me without the regrets if I was unable to run one this year. To continue to put it off is a dangerous thing, as life is short and so many things could occur which can destroy one's ability to attempt such a run - injury, illness, outside forces - to toe the line is a small miracle in itself. To start a 100 mile race would leave me feeling satisfied and content, regardless if I finished or not.

Musings on 100, Part XIII

I wrote out a long entry today, but deleted it due to the personal nature of the subject matter.

The short version is my sister was diagnosed with cancer today. Due to this I may have to miss the 100 mile race, which means I will have to wait a full year before getting another chance to run one.

I hope the best for my sister, may she be strong enough to pull through.

Musings on 100, Part XII

Got up this morning feeling a little groggy from allergies, but my legs felt strong, so decided to jog over to CLP and run the 5k in the park. On the way over I felt great, no aches or pains, lots of energy - running without injury is a blessing.

On my warm up I ran a few sprints up the hill, also some flat sprinting. I was predicting a time between 20:45-21:00, but I noticed the course was set up where I would have to run the hill twice. I saw Yong and he said he could forget about getting under 18:00 because of that.

I started out slow, real slow. I was near the back, but as usual after 1/2 mile I started going a little faster, and others began slowing down. I could hear the heavy breathing as I passed, their fatigue already setting in. I found a comfort zone and stayed there until the end of the first loop. I felt strong as I went up the hill just before starting the 2nd loop, and crossed the half way mark in 11:15. I realized I would end up running 22 and change, but that was fine with me. I was feeling great and did not feel the need to go above the 85% effort level I was expending.

If one of my season's goals was to run a 5k in a certain time, I would have to accustom myself to getting out of my comfort level and again learn how to run at 90-95% effort for 10-15 continuous minutes. But since the 5k distance is not important to me this year I look at the race as I do a longer one - find an appropriate comfort level for the distance, and remain there. Running is more enjoyable at 85%, at 95% it is a painful struggle. Sometimes I feel the mood to reach out and run at max level for an extended time segment (5-15 minutes), but this season I have been content to push my heart rate above average, but not too high, just enough to get into moderate speed fitness, but not where I will be getting close to PR times.

The 2nd loop went as expected, my endurance is strong so I did not get fatigued, I kept chugging along feeling happy and breathing moderately. I picked it up in the last 500m and sprinted the final 200m to cross in 22:05, for a slight negative split.

I saw Yong soon after I finished and he said he ran 19:05, well off his goal of running sub 18. He ran 18:15 on the 4th of July, so we both added close to a minute from that day. Even though the temperature was cool, the two hills must have been enough to slow us down.

While 22:05 is one of the slowest 5k's I have run, I am strangely happy with the race. I guess I have reached a point in my running life where time is not as important as how good I feel during the run. There is nothing better than having energy, health, and strong legs on any given day. Even in a race environment the effort and feel trump time.

Musings on 100, Part XI

Yesterday I decided to run a track workout with 2nd Wind. The clipboard called for 2 x 1600m, 1 x 1200m, 1 x 800m, 1 x 600m, 1 x 400m, 1 x 200m. The mixing of distances sounded perfect and I was wondering how much my fitness had improved since the last time I ran track with the club.

My legs were a little stiff, not from the 7 hour run last Friday, but from the 150's I did 2 days ago. I was running faster than usual and my legs were not accustomed to the quicker turnover rhythm. The stiffness was nothing heavy, so it did not hinder me.

I ran the first mile in 6:32. I started the first 400m of the mile really slow, was in dead last, but slowly started to gain speed and by the last lap I was moving pretty good. I ran the 2nd mile the same way and tagged it in 6:38. I was pleased with those times because I rarely run anything under 7:00 pace in training. The rest of the workout went as expected, my endurance is good so I had no problem keeping the intensity at 85%. I ran the 800m in 3:15, which is slower than I would have liked, 3:05 would have been better, but I recovered after that and ran the 400 in 85 and the 200 in 37 (unsure of times on the 1200m/600m).

Before we started the 200m Matt said we were going back up the ladder after, so I gritted my teeth and prepared for a lot more running. When I was walking back to the start I realized he was joking since we had already run 3 1/2 miles, but I was impressed that I still had something left in the tank - I believe I could have gone back up the ladder running the same paces.

I am taking today and tomorrow off, time to let my legs freshen up. I am thinking about running my 2nd 5k of the year, this one is at Crystal Lake Park. I ran 21:00 on the 4th of July on a short and flat course. The Crystal Lake course has a couple of hills and seems a little long, so if I go under 21:00 my speed endurance will have improved. Based on the track workout I think I can run 20:45-21:00, but who knows.

One thing different this year is I rarely go all out on any run. I ramp it up slowly to about 90% and then cruise. I just don't have it in my heart to expend 100%, at least most of the time. One reason I can think of is when I do go 100% it takes a lot out of my legs, and they are usually sore for a couple of days. By going 90% I avoid the soreness and the taxing of the body, which leads to fresher long term running, and maybe avoiding injury.

Today I was reading one of my fave running blogs and was discouraged by how poorly he is feeling about his dnf at the recent Leadville 100. Because of the altitude it is one of the tougher 100's, and has only a 50% finisher rate. It was his first dnf, and he was pulled at mile 62 because of a missed cutoff time. It took him by surprise, he didn't feel he was running all that slow. He was taking part in the Grand Slam, which is Vermont, Western States, Leadville, and Wasatch. He finished the first 2, but got cut at Leadville, and decided to skip out on Wasatch. I can see how a task as arduous as the Grand Slam could lead to sadness if one comes up short. Even if one has the proper attitude and goal, it would still hurt to get knocked out due to how much effort went into it.

Musings on 100, Part X

Imagining the race as a continuous run with no end point, I still feel the need to have a pacing plan. I was talking with Paul W. at the Howl who I ran with at McNaughton last year, and he finished his first 100 mile run this year at Kettle Moraine. His time was 27:30, which is a pace of 16:30 per mile. He told me he finished the first 50 miles in 10:30, for a 12:36 pace. The final 50 was obviously run in 17:00, for a 20:24 pace. Seeing that I walk the mile to work in approximately 20 minutes, that means Paul walked the 2nd half of the race. 10:30 pace was then too fast for the first 50 miles. To run the entire race at an even pace of 16:30 he could have run 13:45 for both 50 mile segments.

Seeing that 27 hours is a respectable time for 100 miles, I believe 13:45 for both 50's would be an excellent pace. Seeing that I ran last year's 50 miler in 9:44, having an extra 4 hours to run the distance may be slow enough to keep me jogging for most of the race.

The important thing is not to go too fast during the first 20 miles when I am feeling fresh. I can easily run 10 mile segments, when fresh, in 1:55, which is my normal 50k pace. The proper 10 mile segment pace to finish in 27 hours would be 2:45. If I go faster than that, I risk having to walk the final third or half of the race.

With all the speed work I have been doing, it is going to be hard to go that slow. I will need to do some walking during the initial 10 mile segments, that will help to keep my energy from burning out and my legs from getting sore too quickly.

On the days I don't run I walk 2-3 hours up and down a steep hill. I was hoping that the walking practice would help me in the final part of the race, but it appears it will also help at the beginning.