Blue Jay

Joseph was supposed to call me over the weekend to set up a time for Sunday, but never did, so the Peach Jam has yet to happen. I had a great weekend of practice, however, and I studied the three songs in more depth. I had three sessions on Sunday, the last one where I sit with the guitar and get creative, seeing what, if anything, happens.

All of the improvising to songs has made my fingers stronger and more relaxed, and this led to a great creative session, I was doing things which surprised me, creating rhythms and melodies that would not be possible without the newly acquired finger skills. I was also able to flesh out a newly created song using my new knowledge of finding chords within the key pattern. Prior to this I could hear the song in my head, but had no idea where to find the chords or notes to finish it off, but last night I was able to add in the extra parts which made the song fuller and richer.

The progress right now is flowing and this leads to an excitement for practicing longer hours with more concentration. Now that I have the basic building stones in place, things are unfolding with more rapidity and ease. I have my mind set on learning the many chords contained within each key, which will allow me to expand the rhythms during improvisation and also aid in song creation.

I came across a blues singer named Screamin' Jay Hawkins while researching the song I Put a Spell on You, and was inspired by his original style and vocal ability. He reminds me of Bukowski.

Peach Jam

The past two weeks of guitar practice have brought more progress. My calloused fingers are now strong enough to allow 2-3 hour sets, and if I take a break I can come back for another shortened set. The extended practice times are the main reason for the progress, but also the excitement of becoming better sets my mind to concentrate intently, knowing that each day may possibly bring new insights and physical skills.

I continue to compare learning guitar to learning how to read and write. The first year I needed to learn scales (alphabet), sounds of the notes (letters), how to hold a pick (pencil), how to strike the strings (writing). It took years of schooling to learn reading/writing, and so I expect the path of guitar to be a long journey as well. However, having gained a lifetime of insights into the art learning and practicing, things should go a bit faster because I can avoid some of the mental pitfalls which can plague a young and inexperienced mind. As a teen it was easy to fall prey to the propaganda of teachers, television and newspapers, but I now know what types of thoughts lead to stagnation and confusion - thoughts of fame and wealth, or any goal other than trying my best to learn and love, are folly and will lead to quitting the activity when those things don't happen (they won't happen for 99.99% of the world's population). All I have to do is love the practice, love the journey, and not have any preconceived ideas of where I should end up. Each day of practice is an end in itself, and although I have my eye to improvement, the practice is not a guarantee of it.

Tomorrow will be the 3rd jam session of the year - Peach Jam. I suggested to Joseph that we should start the jam with an idea of sets because in previous jams we just played whatever came into our heads and some of the time it was difficult to remain in harmony with each other. To overcome this confusion it might be better to discuss before each song/jam what key we will be in and what the dominant chords are. If someone gets lost (me) it would then be easy to get back into line by returning to the key chords and notes. I also suggested three songs for the Peach Jam, something which will bind us together, but also allow us to follow our imaginations when improvising. The songs are Graveyard Train and Heard it Through the Grapevine by CCR, and a version of Down by the River by Phish and Neil Young. I have been playing my best to Heard it Through the Grapevine, and lately I have learned how to fuse both rhythm and lead, and while doing both is not difficult, it requires a set of skills which I did not possess until only recently.

I will now break down the skills needed to play Heard it Through the Grapevine. Doing so will allow me to recall the progression of learning which brought me to this point. Someone just starting out would be thrilled to be able to play along to this song, but have no idea how to, or what it takes to get there.

Achieving a level of comfort in the basic skills - holding a pick; hitting the strings with accuracy and precision; being able to play while standing up; knowledge of keys and chords; knowledge of the 5 positions of the pentatonic scale and being able to play it across the fret board, in any key; bending strings; vibrato; strumming (for rhythm).

Each of the above skills takes weeks/months/years of practice to achieve the comfort needed in order to not think about the skill while playing the music. The skill should be an automatic response of the body and mind - no thought required, but much concentration upon the music and what the body is doing - a fine line!

A beginning student has to endure and keep the faith that all of the practice is leading to somewhere good. I can recall the difficult first months of the journey, when simply holding a pick required much thought and analysis. Hitting the strings with the pick was not easy, I would constantly hit the wrong string, or hit it too hard and deep, which then stopped the pick, making the next note difficult to get to. This too required thought and analysis. All of the thinking meant that no music could be made because the mind was trying to figure out how to achieve the skills needed to make music. Not being able to make music required faith that one day in the distant future I could perhaps figure it all out.

The pentatonic scale seems fairly simple at first glance - 5 notes, 5 patterns, yet it took me 20 months to get somewhat comfortable with it, and I am still far from having it down cold. Yet I have reached the point where I can move around the board with relative ease, being able to play all notes on all strings, which now makes playing blues/rock music a possibility. I have a long ways to go with this scale, but now that I am practicing 2-3 hours a day I become stronger with it each time I pick up the guitar.

Playing standing up and sitting down are vastly different. I chose to sit down when first learning because it seemed easier on the body. After months of practice I tried playing standing up and within 5 minutes strained my foot and neck, and it was more difficult getting the hands into certain positions. By this time Joseph was asking when I was coming over to jam and I had to laugh at myself because I could not see how it was possible to jam if I could not stand up and play for more than 5 minutes. I therefore told Joseph I was still months away from jamming. I knew I had to build up the physical strength, and I had learned from running that a little bit each day adds up quickly. I therefore played a few minutes every other day standing up, and after a few months was able to practice for 30 minutes without much discomfort. The first jam in the spring I was still uncomfortable playing while standing up, but I threw myself into the fire and was able to jam for 2 1/2 hours. I had trouble playing bar chords and just about everything else, so after that jam I worked everyday playing standing up. For the past few months it has become my preferred method of playing while jamming to music due to its expressiveness. For finger exercises I still prefer sitting down because expression is not needed.

The past month my ability to play along with music has improved. I am able to find the main bass riff within a few minutes. Having the bass riff is important because I can return to it when I want to pause the lead notes. I have also intuitively learned how to find chords to songs. By knowing the key, and therefore the notes of the 5 patterns, my fingers press down on 2 or 3 notes which are close together on the board, and strumming these notes makes a nice sounding rhythm. When I later look up the chords on a tab website I find that the notes I played were the correct ones after all. Using Heard it Through the Grapevine as an example, I found that strumming the key notes near the low frets (frets 1-4) sounded good. I realized I was playing the shape of the D minor chord, and a partial F chord. When I later looked up the tabs for the song I found that D minor and A7 were the main chords, and the A7 fell into the F chord pattern I was using. The ability to find chords on the fly from knowing the notes of the scale makes improvising easier and less mechanical. Instead of thinking that I must play D minor and A7 in a certain order, with correct fingering, I now know that it is fine to create chords based on sound and feel - perhaps this is the basis of improvisation and music making?

Thinking of the above analysis and the path of my guitar journey, for the first time I am feeling a kind of power in what I am doing - I know I have a chance (a slim one) of releasing the music which is inside of me, and this makes me practice even harder, for longer periods of time - now it gets fun!

Blueberry Jam

The Blueberry Jam last night was fun, and while it was not as eye opening as the first one, I did discover new things to work on. I perceived that I am at the point where confidence in my play is becoming visible. When I was setting up I was not shy to work with the amp settings to find a good balance between sustain and distortion, but Joseph's amp appeared limited and I had the impression it was a bass amp because the low notes were strong and vibrant while the higher ones were one sided and bland. The fact that I was able to discern this exhibited that my technical knowledge is expanding bit by bit.

The first 15 minutes it was Joseph on drums and me with guitar. The sound was not decent because of the sparseness of instrumentation and me not knowing how to work the amp to my advantage. Jeff Z from 901 showed up and he turns out to be a master drummer, so Joseph played bass and we blasted through a short, powerful set. After Jeff left Mike H from the indoor pool appeared and Joseph went back to drums and Mike and I played guitar. Mike's specialty is rhythm so I got to play a lot of lead. We were able to find a few good reggae/funk beats (at one point I asked Joseph what kind of music we were playing and answered my own question by guessing "it's like a fusion blues/jazz/funk", which amused Joseph, because he teasingly referred to it later in the session) and we had a sweet jam. After finishing one set Mike said "dude, you play better lead than me, and I've been playing since high school." I did not know how to reply, but I knew I was playing better than the springtime jam and I felt more at ease.

Things which I improved on since the first jam in the spring :

- faster finger movements and better coordination, agility, and stretch
- stronger memory and knowledge of the pentatonic scale
- smoother chord transitions and strumming
- improved endurance

The thing which surprised me most was my ability to play for two hours without break. I was disappointed that Joseph and Mike currently do not have the stamina to play for long stretches of time. Joseph took a number of breaks, and Mike at one point said "I gotta work on my chops, I can't keep up". This tells me that although both are good musicians, they don't practice very often, and there is a chance if I continue to practice daily that my skills will eventually reach their level, and perhaps beyond.

Another thing I noticed is that while I am uncomfortable standing around with nothing to do but listen and talk, I find a beautiful groove once the music begins, communicating with the others through the sounds of guitar and drums. During breaks I therefore choose to continue playing guitar while the others leave the room to drink or smoke. When Joseph returned from one break he commented that my hands must be glued to the guitar. This inability to feel at ease with others when there is no activity to share means I won't become close friends with any of these people, but if they can tolerate my lack of social grace I hope to still play music with them on occasion.

Lastly, it all comes down to practice, desire, and concentration, three things which I have been working on for many years in various activities. The progress I am now making is startling and lucky, but the luck was made possible through all the work put in during the past 18 months - carpe diem!

Bass

Laura Lee & Louise

I was planning to take the day off from guitar because tomorrow is jam #2 (Blueberry Jam) at Joseph's house, but the old saying "strike while the iron is hot" is applicable, so in the morning I practiced a bit with the bass guitar, and then switched over to the strat (I bought a new bass guitar and amp yesterday!).

I don't know if I wrote about this already, but about a month ago I was working on vibrato while watching a movie and I discovered a wrist action/motion which created a sweet vibrato sound. It goes against established mechanics of vibrato in that I move my wrist up and down rather than left to right, but it works and is very easy to do. It requires a light touch and a small movement of the finger. Prior to discovering this I had been pressing the finger down too hard, and the wrist movement was too exaggerated because I was trying to imitate the correct procedure. I remember writing an entry about forgetting about book technique and searching for the correct sound rather than the right mechanics. This idea brought about my new vibrato and I am proud to say that it is my own invention.

Having obtained the beginnings of a vibrato, the next thing I need to work on is sliding the fingers to notes two or more frets up or down the board. I am beginning to find the correct mechanics and this should not be as difficult as vibrato, it just needs a lot of practice to cement the muscle memory of the distances. So I worked on that today while jamming in the late morning (an unusual time for me to practice).

Later in the day as the sun was going down I could not resist picking the guitar up and playing some more, this time to Canned Heat's second album. This was my first long double practice session, and I think there will be more now that I am making progress and things are starting to sound good. My fingers held up nicely, 3 hours of playing and no soreness or blisters. I played to a few new songs, one being a Nick Moss version of Howling Wolf's Louise. The main bass line is hypnotic, and I surprisingly found the 8 note line rather quickly. I played the bass line and then made a quick transistion to playing lead - fun! I will post the live version I was playing along too, Nick Moss is amazing!

Lastly, I felt the need to name my guitar, and decided upon Laura Lee...

Spoonful

The musician seeks to let the music play the music, but he must practice a long time before that can happen.

- quote tacked to the cork board in my music room

I have not mentioned my guitar practice lately, but I have been practicing daily. Things are starting to heat up, get interesting.

Learning guitar, or anything, is foremost an art. I don't have the ability to sit in a class or in front of a teacher and feel comfortable with what they are imparting. Books are good, but in a physical activity, such as golf or guitar, just moving into it, getting the feel of the stick in hand, swinging over and over, is the crux of the process. The reason why learning an activity is an art is because during practice the analytic mind becomes observer, making notes, and remains silent. Some people possess a scientific mind in which the analysis kicks in during the process, but I am glad I am not one of them - a silent mind is my best friend.

If the analytic mind is silent, how do I learn? Although the silent mind appears deaf and dumb, I believe it is dancing relentlessly to the beat of the will. How else to explain the consistent progress and moving forward in my guitar quest?

For the past 5-6 weeks my main mode of practice switched from sitting in a chair, banging out the Jamie Andreas walking exercise, to a standing one man jam. An hour before the sun sets I feel the pull of the guitar, so I pick it up, open the music folder on the computer, and play along to Canned Heat's first album, minus one song. After finishing the last song from the album I move to Phish's Backwards Down the Number Line. I then select one or two Cream songs, and ready myself for the finale - turning the volume way up and jamming to the 16 minute live version of Spoonful. I am connected to that song for a reason which eludes me, but one of the first things I recognized on the guitar during my first month of the quest was the two note switch back of Spoonful. I did not know it at the time but it would become one of the things which propelled me forward in the quest.

When I began the jamming practice method six weeks ago I was a bit shaky, feeling uneasy with how the guitar felt while standing. But with daily practice (60-90 minutes), my fingers toughened up further and standing began to feel more expressive than sitting. When bending a note my body bends with the string, when doing a fast note progression my eyes close and I get lost in the valley of sound which surrounds me in the darkness. Last week a desert like heat descended upon central Illinois and it was too hot to play in the late afternoon, so I took three days off. I felt uneasy during the absence and knew that I had become addicted to the beautiful sound expression reflected in the mood of a day just lived through. When the heat broke last Sunday I picked up the guitar and noticed a leap in ability and skill - note runs were cleaner and faster, the fingers were stronger, more agile and accurate. The three day layoff allowed the silent, analytic mind to work its magic, without any interference from the conscious self. The art of learning guitar was in bloom on that magical Sunday evening.

Today I experienced a BIG jump - jamming to the usual song list, I was comprehending with more precision and a fuller memory the pentatonic scale along the length of the fret board. During the past six weeks I have noticed a slow and steady increase in comfort with the notes in the scale, and today it felt almost effortless, the fingers moving up and down, back and forth, with little conscious thought, allowing the mind to concentrate upon the emotions and sounds - the meaning of the music - rather than the mechanics needed to achieve the desired sound. Added to this was another increase in speed and accuracy, along with the right hand pick gliding to the strings with greater precision. The music which emanated thus sounded confident, less abrupt and choppy. During the final song, Spoonful, I created a driving avalanche of sound which made me wonder how it all came about.

I have the sensation that I have reached the point of no return - the guitar has become a part of my experience, an extension of my life. It is looked upon with affection and love, and I trust that it will open to me a small part of its beauty and mystery each time I hold it in my caring hands.

?

After studying various details of traveling in Thailand, I was disappointed that I have no acceptable reason for extending my visa by more than 30 days. Student? Business? Visiting family? All no, so that leaves me with the tourist visa, which is 30 days. After the 30 day period I am required to leave the country for a day, and upon returning can get a 15 day extension stamp. The border runs can supposedly be repeated indefinitely, but the cost and long journey would soon become a burden once the novelty waned.

Flying into Thailand is not as simple as I thought it would be. I did not know that most countries will not allow someone to arrive with a one way ticket. Since I do not know when I am to leave Thailand, or by what method (train, bus, plane, boat, foot), I do not want to tie myself to a date and place of departure. A round trip ticket, which is required for entry, is not something which will promote wandering and a sense of timelessness. The cost of the ticket, ~$1200, is also more than I would like to pay, especially since flying to Costa Rica costs ~$450.

Since Thailand does not want tourists staying longer than 30 days, I have decided that it does not fit my main purpose - to live freely for the longest amount of time. The cost of border runs would deplete my savings faster than if I stayed at home.

I then studied details of travel in Costa Rica, and found things a bit more encouraging - a 90 day visa and cheap airfare had Thailand beat. However, the cost of living in Costa Rica is almost equal to that of living in the USA, so what then is the point of leaving the USA? I realize leaving my comfort zone and learning Spanish and immersing myself in a new culture can lead to immense growth, but growth in what area? One of the reasons I want to visit Thailand is to learn about their Buddhist culture. I don't know anything about the religious culture in Costa Rica, but my initial guess is that the Buddhist tradition there is not as strong as in the Far East.

It is now time to step backwards and reflect anew, starting once again the process of planning a new direction in my life. Having a nice apartment in a nice town has me considering that my best plan of action is no action. If my amount of leisure time can be maximized by remaining in Urbana, then not leaving may be the best choice. But my inner guide is restless and wants to strike out and explore something new.

To stay or to go.....

?

Wandering

After making the decision to resign from my job on 11/11/11, the next step was to decide upon a destination. I have no great desire to be anywhere in particular, so I wrote down the things which were important to me. Inexpensive, warm, somewhat safe and clean, were things which came to mind. That knocked out half of the world and I was left with the continents in the tropics. It came down to Central/South America and SE Asia. Once I made a choice the ball would begin to roll, so I picked Thailand as my initial point of arrival.

The next step in planning is to acquire knowledge of the country, its laws, culture, popular towns and areas. I also need to plan the logistics of the trip. Airline tickets, visas, what type of backpack to bring, what to put into the backpack, how to manage the initial 30 day period, border runs, departures to other countries. It is a bit overwhelming.

I will make an outline of the things which need to be studied and decided upon, and then work down the list, taking my time. I imagine it is a bit like planning a battle in a large scale war -something misunderstood, or entirely missed, could bring defeat.

11:11

I was walking through the park last week and in a moment of clarity decided to choose November 11 as the date of my departure. While leaving before the arrival of winter is pleasant to ponder, the mystical 11:11 is what drew me to that month and day. Since childhood, whenever I have seen 11:11 (mainly on digital clocks) my mind becomes reflective and somewhat shaken - the number acts as a trigger for a memory of something which has not yet happened.

Having chosen the date, the next task is deciding upon the initial place of arrival. I have a world map laid out on the kitchen drawing table, and every day I study it, hoping for an insight or inspiration which will lead me to the correct and logical choice. With four months remaining I appear to be on schedule for making an important change in my surroundings and circumstances.

At times I have the idea to stay put and believe that the odd desire to leave all that I know is an effect of a restless mind. But this sentiment is soon overruled by a strong emotion which I recognize as my inner compass. It is this voice which has led me to the place where I now sit, and the important choices which I have made in the past have followed it faithfully. Long ago I decided that I would follow this voice over all others, and if it brought me to ruin so be it. One of the main purposes of my life is to use it to test ideas of spirit and integrity. Money, career, stability, things which seem on the surface to be good and worthy, are trappings which destroy that purpose, the reason being that to obtain these things I would need to do work which is dead to my heart - when the heart is dead, the voice is silent.

My guitar quest is moving steadily along. The past few weeks there has been more improvement, along with new ideas and practice methods. Since implementing the idea to forgo vibrato book technique, and learn it instead through trial and error, I have been liking the direction, and made a breakthrough a few days ago. My stamina and finger strength now allow me to practice for longer periods and I am using this new found endurance to play along to live Cream songs which last from 12-16 minutes each. Jamming to Spoonful for 16 minutes is an incredible experience, I follow the bass and drums as if the band were in my living room, using the rhythms to create improvisational leads. I can have long runs where everything flows smoothly before the finger patterns break down. I have also been playing to Canned Heat's first album. I have reached a point where I can create notes which sound like the blues, but I am still a number of years away from achieving the level I would like to be at - with each passing session the confidence that I will reach this higher level grows stronger.

D-Day

I have been living on my own for the past six months, and during that time I have taken the time to reflect upon the future course of my life's journey. I was hoping by this time to have a somewhat firm idea of it, but thus far it still appears shrouded in a gray fogginess. At times I can glance the main lines and colors, but am blind to the details.

I am not too surprised by my indecisiveness because in the past I have had some lengthy waits before things became clear enough for me to choose a destination and plan of how to arrive there. I trust my intuition and inner compass, but sometimes my will has to be prodded if the circumstances are not dire. I enjoy routine and being intimate with a place, so it is difficult to slash the familiar and comfortable and replace it with the risk of the unknown. Perhaps if humans lived 200 years I wouldn't mind staying the course in Urbana for a while, but I don't have many years left, and so am constantly pondering what I would like to do.

Being in a transition phase of my life, I have been noticing that it is easy to forget all of the good things which I have accomplished in past years due to my being finished with them - enduring the hardships of manual labor in my teens and early 20's; learning to write from the heart while in college; finding my calling (photography), and making a solemn decision to work my ass off for 10 years to see what comes of it, and then extending the work until year 18; last year deciding to study guitar, with a focus being upon the learning process. On days when I am wandering around town, or lazing in bed observing the late afternoon sun paint the room in glowing yellows and pinks, I get the sense that I have done very little, but the memories of the past slowly sink into my vision and I breathe a little easier.

Today while at work I had an idea which may push my will into action concerning the style and content of my remaining days. I scribbled on a yellow post it - "set an expiration date to my life, as if I had been given the exact date of my final day on earth." Since I do not know the time and day that senor death will arrive upon the scene, I tend to forget that he is lurking out there somewhere, that his eventual arrival cannot be avoided, and this lapse of remembrance puts my sense of danger to sleep. By writing down a chosen date for senor death's arrival, I am hoping that my sense of ease will be shaken, thus inspiring my mind and will to become more courageous and imaginative. There are so many different ways to live, and having found one which is warm and comforting does not mean others just as meaningful and pleasant do not exist.

Later in the day I began thinking of Winston Churchill, and his six volume history of WWII. The sense of urgency and danger which the Germans heaped upon the English, while difficult and terrifying, allowed the English to experience "their finest hour". In the later stages of war, the American/British military knew the only way to defeat Germany was to invade the soil of Europe. Decisive action was needed, and to achieve this goal detailed planning went on for over a year. The study of maps, battle strategy and tactics, the organization of men and material, was necessary in order for the invasion to take place. Inspiration alone would not lead to success.

With Senor Death playing the part of Nazi, I must set to work on choosing a destination, studying maps, planning the tactics and strategies of the wanderer, and finally, setting the date : D-Day.

Long

I sit before you,

the beauty I lusted for

no longer reflected against my eyes.

We hold each others gaze

for a long while,

reconciling time,

but no matter how I add the moments

they don't equal the empty death

which now bows before me.

You take it so well,

being still,

your faded yellows and

dried lines

out of tune with the

rotation of the sun.

I'd like to believe that my time

and yours,

are not of the same color and type -

that what you sense and remember is

just as rich and eventful....

and long -

with some ancient thing,

sitting still

beneath a flurry of stars,

believing the same of me.

I See the Buddha, The Buddha Sees Me....

Stone

Stone

Opening my eyes

I see a stem, two yellow flowers, and a red spider

which is small -

so small it fits

through the eye of a golden needle.

The red spider hops, glides

across the sensuous, curving petals,

and stops upon a

line of fur,

which is smooth as moss.

It darts off,

always on the move,

looking for food, a friend,

or something.

The flower is still and empty,

a universe of color and warmth

bundled tightly in its silken folds,

with death held back

for at least a moment more.

My eyes darken and

turning upon themselves

an open hand meets the dreamy gaze,

a bird upon a stone.

Desire

Connection

The More I Learn, The Less I Know

Walking to Work, Spring

Thinking about the continued progress I am making with guitar has inspired me to reflect upon the learning process. As I have previously written, one of the things which interest me about guitar is its foreignness and complexity - not having any prior knowledge or experience with it or music makes it a perfect activity for gaining knowledge of my own personal learning process.

At the current point of my development a picture of the steps required when beginning the guitar is coming into focus. I see that I was making progress during the difficult beginning months, but was blinded to most of it because I was unable to make pleasing sounds. One thing which intrigues me about the guitar is a person of average intelligence has to work hard for an extended period of time before anything resembling music can be created - it is a test of patience, will, and desire. When I see/hear an accomplished guitarist I have a high regard for their accomplishment because I have a sense of the trials they went through. An exception to this is the prodigy who displays unusual focus and clarity, unraveling complex problems quickly and with great insight. While I admire this quality, knowing the prodigy did not endure the hardships of the average person means that I look upon their achievement as something done by a power higher than human.

One of the qualities of my mind is its ability to break down a complex activity into simple steps. While it cannot do this quickly, with continued practice and reflection it gets ever closer to the goal. I have learned during this journey that it is better to work out technical/mechanical problems on my own. Reading an article about vibrato does not do me much good because the description of how to do it may make logical sense, but without practice it means nothing. Even the steps and insights provided are for the most part useless because each person's mind/body is unique. While there may be similarities in vibrato technique for all good players, I believe that each of those players went about it in their own way before ending up in the same place.

Rather than reading about vibrato, what I need to do is hear the sound of the vibrato in my head, and then try to recreate it with the guitar. When I finally am able to achieve the sound, the technique will have been established.

Breakthrough

Spring Visits a Parking Lot

During the week when I pick up the guitar I focus upon the mechanical aspects of playing. Repetitive finger movements dominate a session - the ladder, chromatic scale, pentatonic scale, bending, vibrato, chords and sliding bar chords. Sometimes I will play along to a jam track to learn rhythm. When Sunday arrives I wait for the sun to descend into the trees, the sky becoming pink/orange/red/silver - it is then that I feel the need to focus upon my emotions, allowing the state of my spirit to dictate what kind of music I will create with the guitar.

Yesterday when I began to play there were extended moments when the mechanics were forgotten, allowing me to concentrate upon the sounds flowing into the room. My fingers became tiny birds weaving into a complicated pattern of tree shapes - any hesitation or doubt resulting in disgrace - I therefore left doubt behind and became one with the guitar. It was the first time I created music which reflected the white burn living inside my heart, and this led to a few beautiful moments when the body shivers with recognition upon hearing the truth.

Today is balmy and summer like, the sun going low into the green roundness of things - repetition, repetition, repetition....

Sunday

Morning Walk, Spring

Sunday

A small room eaten slowly by the night -

piece by piece dissolving

until the only thing left

is sleep.

Spring Dream

On my walks to work I have been carrying the camera, the days have been a mixture of seasons, so many peculiar things to see....

Scissors

Scissors

I went to the library yesterday and got a few Lonely Planet travel guides for various places around the globe which seem interesting, and perhaps cheaper than the USA - Belize, Guatemala, Laos, Sri Lanka, Panama. In Chicago I worked with a guy named Mo from Sri Lanka who had just graduated from the Art Institute. One time on break we walked up to the 8th floor storage area and found a few original art pieces by famous artists such as Ed Paschke and Diane Arbus. Mo was unimpressed, and we discussed what makes a good piece of art. I happened to have my camera with me and snapped a picture of him smoking a cigarette.

Mo eventually returned to Sri Lanka and is now an internationally famous artist. I recall him telling me that I should go to Sri Lanka because it is more beautiful than the USA. If I do consider living in Sri Lanka for an extended period I should perhaps contact Mo and ask him for suggestions on where to live and if he knows of any cheap apartments for rent. Having at least one contact in a foreign country would be helpful.

Mo on the 8th Floor

Future Plans

With my lease soon coming to an end, I need to decide if I want to remain in Urbana. I have various thoughts and desires about living elsewhere, but having ended my marriage and moved into an apartment only four months ago, I feel it is best that I remain in the apartment until next July. Part of the reason is because in just a few days I will be returning to the 40 hour work week. This depresses the hell out of me, as I have enjoyed working 20 hours a week for the past four years. In January I began working 30 hours a week, which isn't too bad because I work from 6:00am-noon, or 7:00-1:00, depending on when I wake up in the morning. My eight hour schedule will be 6:00-2:30 (a 30 minute lunch is required by law), which is as good as it gets for an eight hour day. The thing that will drag me down is working in the same place eight hours a day, day after day after day. I know I will get the old feelings of restlessness, fatigue, and the nauseous thought of "anyplace but here".

The positive side is I will be making enough money to save $500 a month, so that by the time my lease is up I should have an extra $6000-7000 in the bank (barring an unexpected medical emergency). That thought alone should give me the energy to wake up in the mornings and slog another dreary day in the office. With my current savings at $10,000, and with Rachel owing me $9700 for my portion of the house, that puts me at $26,000. When I quit my job I will have $7000-8000 being added to my savings, which puts me around $33,000. To be safe I can round down and expect to have $30,000 in my savings by next July. Living in the midwest USA I can survive comfortably (with no car) for $1000 per month, giving me 2 1/2 years of freedom from having to work for others.

Considering that the USA is a relatively expensive place to live, what if I could find a place somewhere in the world where I could live comfortably for $500 a month? I would then have unlimited freedom and solitude for 5 years. By the end of the 5 years I will be 50 years old, and most likely old enough to no longer care about jobs and careers, etc, or maybe I will no longer be alive, thus cheating a future employer of cheap labor.

I am reminded of the Hermann Hesse story Klein and Wagner, where Klein, a civil servant, aged 40, robs his employer and rides a train south to Italy. He falls in love with a young woman, has a few adventures, and then drowns himself. Another story, whose name and author escape me, is of a man who quits his job and moves to a cheap foreign land which is pleasing and artful. A few years later the man's savings are depleted and he goes insane and dies. These stories give me pause in my desire to move out of the country and live off of my savings...

We're Going Wrong & the Big Dream in the Sky

Yesterday I made more progress with the guitar. I have been listening to a lot of Cream songs and put We're Going Wrong on repeat and riffed to it for 40 minutes. My picking speed and accuracy was better than usual, and I gained some depth in my knowledge of the pentatonic scale. I discovered that I can add a non-pent note when riffing to certain songs, such as We're Going Wrong, and it totally fits, kind of like the blue note, but with a different feel. I forgot to check what the note was, so I just now walked over to the guitar and picked it up, but forgot which two strings I was moving into when using it. I am starting to find my own style with vibrato, I have trouble turning my wrist back and forth, so have assimilated my classical vibrato with a bit of the turn, it sounds pretty good. I am sure a guitar teacher would disapprove, but it works for now.

Now that I am moving slowly toward my goal of playing the blues, I find I am practicing longer and harder, seeing that it may just be possible to get to where I want to be. I have set a high standard for myself, as I want to be able to express the music inside of me, which will require the skill of an Eric Clapton or Buddy Guy - it's fun to dream....

I brought my digital camera on my morning walk today :

Morning Walk I

Morning Walk II

Morning Walk III

Morning Walk IV

Sophia Sleeps

Detail #1

Detail #2

Somewhere

Somewhere, looking up,

beyond the night mist,

is a brightness

waiting patiently

for me to lose my grip.

Within me are golden memories,

each one more precious than the last,

but an ache swims through and across me,

searching for one which is lost.

Somewhere, I know,

you are waiting for me,

your infinite beauty

beyond the sight of the ashen faces

on the great, green earth.

I know you are there,

your moist breath

spinning the world,

awaiting the grasp of my closing eyes.

Gray Spring

Gray spring

wind dripping,

at rest upon an empty street.

Heavy time

pregnant with hope,

creeping through wet grass,

a red tulip bending low.

A thousand creatures

move to and fro

readying for emergence,

my lonely room awaits the knock.